SEINFELD
“The Round About Nothing”
EPISODE # 0507
A fan script re-enactment of the 2015 Deathmatch Final Round
CAST
JERRY…………………………………………..NIKOLA JAJIC
ELAINE…………………………………………TALITA VALLE
GEORGE……………………………………….CRAIG CALHOUN
KRAMER………………………………………BRISA LEMGRUBER
GUEST CAST
NEWMAN………………………………………”SARA”
ACT ONE
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – MIDNIGHT
ELAINE IS ON THE SOFA, SPEAKING TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE. JERRY IS IN THE KITCHEN LOOKING THROUGH THE CUPBOARDS. GEORGE IS IN THE BATHROOM.
ELAINE:
This is hilarious.
[Laughs hysterically into receiver – bangs phone on coffee table – laughs hysterically into receiver again]
I’m not here. I’m supposed to be here! Where am I?
[Throws phone across apartment]
Oh god. Where am I?
GEORGE:
[Screams out from behind bathroom door]
This is deadly serious!
JERRY:
[Searches frantically through the kitchen drawers and cabinets – cereal spills everywhere]
I’m so tired. It hurts. My bruises hurt, Laney.
GEORGE:
[ENTERS from bathroom. Tucking shirt into pants]
Alright, Elaine, calm down. So here’s what you gotta do. Just pretend that you’re really here. Even if you’re not here, someone will eventually notice their mistake. Then BOOM, you’re right back in, BABY!
[EXITS to bathroom]
JERRY:
[Finds prescription pill bottle in freezer. Takes out pills and grinds them on counter using a teaspoon]
Let’s do this!
[Does the drug. Slips down behind counter]
KRAMER:
[Bursts through door]
Elaine? Is that you? I can see you now! YEAH!
[Slips on spilled cereal. Curls into a ball and begins to purr loudly.]
There are ghosts.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. MONK’S COFFEE SHOP – DAWN
ELAINE, JERRY, KRAMER, AND GEORGE ARE SEATED AT THEIR USUAL TABLE. A WAITRESS ARRIVES TO TAKE THEIR ORDER.
JERRY:
[To Waitress] Well, my good woman, I think that I would like an Italian beef sandwich with giardiniera peppers followed by a Cuban sandwich. And a decaf coffee, please.
ELAINE:
[To Waitress] I kind of want a sandwich but I want a Big Sandwich, you know? Like a baguette with salami and so much butter that I can see my teeth marks. Can you do that?
GEORGE:
[To Waitress] Banh Mi for me, sweetheart.
KRAMER:
[To Waitress] Cat food. GIDDY-UP!
[They stare at one another, without speaking or blinking, for the next eleven hours. When their food finally arrives, KRAMER runs out the door into the street. Car horns honk. ELAINE shrugs.]
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY
JERRY AND ELAINE SIT AT THE TABLE, PLAYING SCRABBLE.
JERRY:
What in god’s name are we doing here? What kind of lives are these?
ELAINE:
I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking about The Day the Earth Stood Still. And about Puddy, I guess.
[Knock at door. NEWMAN enters]
NEWMAN:
Hello, Jerry.
JERRY:
Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN:
I couldn’t help but overhear your little conversation. I know what you are, Seinfeld. You and your ilk. It’s obvious from a mile away. You’re a men’s rights activist propagandist!
JERRY:
I am not!
NEWMAN:
Prove it then. Marry me, Jerry Seinfeld. I love you. I’ve always loved you.
JERRY:
I love you too, Newman.
[They kiss]
FADE OUT
END OF EPISODE