i stud up and Maury huged me and the awdeance moaned and i looked up from the floor and the hot lites hit my face like the lite of angels and i shall never forget that as long as i so shall live.
Dear Lord Above i Thank You for makin me a woman and Thank You for makin me ugly and Thank You for my obeesity for not all creeturs is born with wate problems and Thank You Jesus for makin my father tuch me when i were small and Thank You also for givin me a dawter who sleeped with over 43 boys at her early age and for amittin it on Maury even so i alredy knowed it and Thank You for the Kernal and thank you for wite squirels.
i guess you was put rite here on earth for a reeson and Thank You for helpin me find my very own reeson.
Bobby spint most of his time workin down in the mine on the nite shift and when he was sleepin and i werent workin down at Kentucky Edna Earl and me watched tv. i liked best of all the reelty tv. Been on them to, more times as you can cownt pennies. Dont you worry none, i can tell how it all went down as strate as a line even as i dont much fancy up words.
Dons the manager of the Wincox Road branch and has been in that posishun as long as i can remember and he likes reelty tv as much as i do and he keeped it on in his office so as we culd lissen to it wile we was pitchin legs into bukets. i herd Maury was on the lookowt for some persins for his show especialy mothers who had dawters who was sleepin arowned. i knowed Edna Earl spits out boyfrends faster than Chuck E Cheese spits out tickets and i also knowed she keeped a pakage of condums in that little drawer of her jewlry box. Don herd it to and he sayd i could use the phone rite there in the office to call providin it were a toll free number wich it was. It werent two days when they called me back at work and Don answered the phone and sayd he would finish the soda order.
Oh Sweet Lord, Thank You for makin Maury have a toll free number and for makin Don let me take the time off.
That girl aksed if Edna Earl was promiskiness and sleepin arowned and i told her only as many times as there was boys at juvey hall and she aksed me if Edna Earl had a sassy mouth and i told her they make bathroom soap dont they? So rite from the start she seen i were pretty quik on the get go. She aksed me to come up to new york city and i was gettin redy to tell her with what but she told me she would fork down the money and shed ride us in an airplain and sleep us in a Motel room.
Do it not just make you laff now to think of how innosent i was?
A man name of Shofer was at the airport and Edna Earl seen his card with my name and he steered a limoseen direct to the Motel Grand Hiat and we was put up in a fancy honeymoon room with all that whip dee doo cept it was just me and Edna Earl. Mr. Shofer waited til we got fixed up and then we was drove to where Mr. Maury Povik is. A lady sayd to act naturel and to cry if we felt like it and when my turn come she took me in front of most as many peepel as up at Thunder Road on a Thursday nite. Even with all them eyeballs peekin rite at me i felt easy next to Mr. Maury. He aksed me to bout findin them condums in Edna Earls jewlry box and i took one out to prove i was no liar. Then Edna Earl come out and she were all sassy mouthed and sayd nobody knowed her and what she did was her own bisness. The lie detecter proved she sleeped with the 43 boys and then Edna Earl was took to army camp for 24 hours. Now we see how much she can cuss and cry.
Mr. Shofer drove me to the Motel as there was no way i was walkin arowned such a dangerous city and besides there was so many streets i didnt know hide nor hair of where the Motel were. The next day Mr. Maury showed us on tv how Edna Earl did 43 pushups one for each boy and then she ran on stage and got rite down in front of my feet and called me mommy and sayd she were sorry for all her sleepin with every last one. If that didnt wrinkle out my own heart like a wet towel. And thats when i stood up and Maury smiled at me and the peepel clapped and i looked up and the hot lites hit my face like the lite of angels and i shall never never forget.
And at that very spot i saw a little wite squirel squatin in the silver lite with its little wite hands out in front of it and i knowed it must be a little squirel angel showin me the reeson to be.
Delbarton never felt just rite after that. Edna Earl kept away most of the time and i tried reelty tv and ended up spent most of my time to stuff cigs against the porch step and to throw rocks at a Diet Pepsi Bottle.
Don sayd he had sawn me on the tv and he glud up my pictur in the office and called me a salebrity and i told him my reeson and he sayd i culd telephone any shows i wanted as long as they was 800 numbers. He was so understandin.
So lets see. i seen Ms. Opraw two in a row. She sayd i culd tell how daddy sneeked in and tuched me but to leave out the bits and cusses and i told her i werent no sassy mowth. After Opraw huged me real tite and i knowed then and there she were a frend for life as i alredy knowed from seen her on tv.
O Tender Lovin Jesus Thank You for 800 numbers and Thank You for Mr. Montel and for Tireya Banks, and for Steve Wilcos and Ms. Opraw twice and for all the others to unumeral to menshen.
i got on Wife Swop to and Bobby sayd he didnt care one way or nother as long as the new woman knowed how to cook fish sticks. i went to pensilvanya to wifey it up with Howard. We hit it off just fine and every day was drove to some form of beautifyin like toenail polishin. i dont know a thing abowt what that man did cept open letters with money in them but let me tell you he were pretty randy from all that sittin and let me tell you they didnt show half the stuff on tv. When Bobby got his vacaton i brung him to my frend Maury as a surprise where i told him how up there in pensilvanya Howard had brot me brekfast in bed and how hed sayd the eggs over easy part real slow like and how one little thing had leeded to a nother little thing.
It were Bobby who sayd we was goin on Jerry Spranger and thats how i got the broked tooth when Bobby throwed a chare at Howard and it bownced off his sholder. Mr. Spranger didnt show that part on tv. And that Dr. Fill aksed us on and told us to comoonicate. A lot of good was that did because i moved in with my Shirley two days later after Bobby introdooced me to Mister Five Fister and give me a busted lip.
Jesus Thank You for my sister Shirley and Thanks Be for those three kids of her that made me get on Nanny 911 and Supper Nanny even so i had to use a pretend name to get on Supper Nanny so they wuldnt find out bout Nanny 911. And thank you for Dizneyland and Booty and the Beest and extre long Corn Dogs. Guess after all that peepel thowted Shirley and me was sinful womans and Elin Degeniris aksed us abowt raisin childrens and at the end she tried to hug me but i seen abowt her in the Star and knowed what she was up to. She were nice in the end when she surprised me with gettin me on Extreem Makeover becus that were a show i called more than ten times to try to get on but even so i was pretty happy i still never went back to hug her.
Bobby called me when i was all raped in bandages. i guess Edna Earl had told him i was on Extreem Makeover and he let me know he was sorryer than a skunk withowt a clothespin and how sick he were of sleepin on that rat sofa at Martins dublewide. i told him when i come back he wuld sit his eyeballs on a new woman and i mite think if i wanted him back even so i alredy knowed i wuld. Then i told him how my nose was yanked and how my thys and dairyair was full of suckin straws and how inplumps was put in my front and how my teeth was sandpapered and my hair dipped in bleech. i was made to stay in my room and i was gettin just sick enugh to smak up someone in the face, expecilly the doctor who poked my buxom just becas he was probly some pervert. i wuld have to cept it hurt to much to lift my arms. They got me on Blind Date but they never showed it on tv. They tooked us out for drinks but i guess they didnt know likker and me were kissin cuzins so as i got drunk as a donkey at a horse dance.
You shuld a seen everybodys poppin eyeballs when i sashaed into the Delbarton Ramada Motel. They was all flappin lips and Bobby looked direct at my jingle bells and sayd there was no woman in the US of A as dollied up as me and it hit me i mite go and sign up for Americas Next Top Model.
That werent the all of it.
Edna Earl sayd she had had the livin room done up by While You Wore Out cept when the limoseen pulled up the intire afair was up in flames and Bobby sayd he sure were kickin himself for only just now remindin himself of the cig he set on the arm of the cowch when the phone rang. All that were on tv too.
Jesus Holy of Holyes i thank you for womans mascara that dont run with tears and i Thank You for abowt a thosand hundred workmans who raised our Extreem House Makeover. O Most Belovved Saveor Thank You most of all for showin me the little wite squirel angel the most beootiful animal that lived and Thank You for the mirror on the bedroom ceelin remindin me of the meek and the path to richesness even as i was never one to rub other creeturs jellus noses in the fact i am Blest and they just aint.
Christopher Willard is the author of Garbage Head and Sundre (due out April 2009) both with Esplanade Books/Vehicule Press. He currently lives and teaches in Calgary.