Artificial Plants

By A. Wolfe

The artificial ferns are watered everyday by the janitor. The school secretaries beg him to stop, but he refuses, giving the whiskey eye, and says, “It’s either water or piss.  Your choice.”  Most everyone wishes he would die.
He’s got a name, but people don’t use it. He started signing everything with a single “X” years ago and sometimes forgets if “A” comes before “E” in Michael. In his head, with his feet close to the basement furnace, he settles on Mike. Mike spends most of his time setting up cameras in the women’s restroom. He’s not so much interested in the little kiddies at the school as he is in Doreen, the Vice Principal.
Doreen is the only reason he still works at the school. He saved her life once.  At least she thought he had. It’s a long story involving Doreen’s broke-down truck, torrential rains, and Mike, a stranger and hitchhiker, somehow stumbling upon the quick fix to starting her car. He had meant to kill her. She had given him a ride into town, had gotten him the job and he fell in love instead.
Now he likes watching her sit down on the toilet and relieve herself. He was never into that sort of thing before Doreen, but he liked to see her with her defenses down as well as her pants. He thinks that when you sit on a toilet, you’re joining the human race because, “everybody gotta piss,” and for that moment, Mike’s on Doreen’s level. He often waters her ferns and imagines proposing to her while she’s on the toilet. The secretaries know he’s a bad sort, but Mike knows Doreen just thinks he’s slow, and she doesn’t want to embarrass him by pointing out the artificiality of her foliage. He thinks it’s sweet of her. In his dreams they are married.
He curls up with his feet against the furnace, an intense heat on his soles that he has come to love, like Doreen, and falls asleep. Doreen is there, pants accordioned upon her ankles, asking him with an open heart to please water her plants.

A. Wolfe is a writer in Portland, Oregon, whose work has been published in Unsaid, The Collagist and The Rumpus, among others. She is the founder and an editor of Peninsulas Now Press.


22 Responses to “Artificial Plants”

  1. wrozby says:

    Hey There. I found your blog using msn. This is an extremely well written article. I will be sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful info. Thanks for the post. I’ll certainly return.

  2. Let me have got to keep coming back again whenever my course load lets up nevertheless My business is having your Feed so we could read your web site offline. Cheers.

  3. canape lit says:

    Great awesome issues here. I am very glad to peer your post. Thanks a lot and i am taking a look forward to contact you. Will you kindly drop me a mail?

  4. Hi this is kinda of off topic but I was wanting to know if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding know-how so I wanted to get guidance from someone with experience. Any help would be enormously appreciated!

  5. Hey this really is kinda of off subject but I was wanting to know if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or should you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding experience so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience. Any aid would be greatly appreciated!

  6. I have to express appreciation to this writer for bailing me out of such a crisis. After surfing around through the search engines and getting recommendations which were not productive, I believed my entire life was done. Being alive without the presence of approaches to the problems you have sorted out by way of this short post is a serious case, as well as the kind which may have adversely damaged my career if I had not encountered your blog. Your skills and kindness in taking care of almost everything was very useful. I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t come upon such a step like this. I can also at this point relish my future. Thank you so much for your skilled and result oriented help. I will not be reluctant to endorse your site to anybody who needs and wants assistance about this subject.

  7. tv amr says:

    I am not sure but if your know it or otherwise not, although the sites making the true big AdSense money usually have a following it doesn’t be based upon google. Internet mavens like Chris Pirillo or Joel Comm have been receiving online a while and still have followings for their websites. Therefore they might consistently make six figures with AdSense.

  8. I am not certain where you’re getting your info, but great topic. I needs to spend some time finding out more or working out more. Thanks for great information I used to be searching for this info for my mission.

Posts Remaining