u. freakin’ ess.ay.

By Pug Wannamaker

the first time I went to america
i got so drunk
i shit in my pants

we borrowed a car and drove down to buffalo
there was a lot of snow there
and we were unprepared
but after a few frostybrews
who cares?

the first thing i noticed was how cheap
the booze was
i mean, really cheap
forget the chicken wings
lets get pissed!

we rented a room at the lafayette hotel
but we didn’t sleep there
i slept face down in a snowbank
with my pants full of hist
my girlfriend at the time
her name escapes me now
was not impressed
but i’d hid the car keys, so there

we started at a bar called Quinns
it was a small dumpy bar full of old geezers
there was old fight posters on the walls
i ordered a beer and a scotch
it came to two dollars and twenty cents
the next round i ordered a beer and a double scotch
again it came two dollars and twenty cents
it tipped the bartend a buck, and he said
you’re not from around here
i asked him if he knew where the punk bars were
he said, this is a punk bar
the sun was till up when we left there
the girl, i think her name was sandy
was already a weevin
we bough a six pack of cans and started wandering around
we eventually found allen road
where all the bars were
we went into one
a poster said, jack dekesyer was playing that night
so we went to another bar
we ordered more drinks
and my gal, actually i think her name was ally
that it, sally ordered a fired bologna sandwich
it was so beautiful that i had to order one too
me and sally were having a great time
and it was only eight o’clock
we met lots of nice americans
who were used to hanging out with drunk
canadians
one guy said, you know what i like about you canadians?
nothing
jammed my cigarette into his eye

we had to go to another bar
this next bar was a disco
i staggered up to the dj’s booth
and said
you know what i like about you americans?
nothing
he smiled
i turned around and threw my beer across the room

the next bar we went to was more like a sports bar
i said to the bartender, as he deposited my drink
how about them bills?
he man, have you got a gun?
i heard all you yanks have guns, lets shoot em up
sally said, why don’t you calm down
i said, lets fly to persia
drape an american flag over a machine gun
and flay some babies
sodom insane
the guy next to me smiled at that one
guns and cars
rape and murder
god bless america

we staggered around some more and got lost
sally started to cry
i said, are you crying cause we wasted fifty dollars
on the motel room
yes, she said, through the tears
i think that’s when i shit my pants
fried bologna sandwich, a dollar seventy nine

i took my shit home with me the next day
america has enough shit already
the guy at customs said, what smells?
i said, america smells my friend and he let us through.

Rivet

 

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