The Magazine of Zine Culture and the Independent Arts

Deathmatch 2010:

Gotta Be Another Way

by Nelson Eshleman

It was round about the time Winthorpe Power Corp. posted its $500,000 reward that my public spirit kicked in. I didn't set the blasting caps on the Dyno Nobel Vibrogel that blew up four electrical shacks halting construction for two months on the nuclear plant project at Pettifer Lake. I simply told the police who did it.

While at first blush this might seem a blemish on the vigour of the 800 strong members of the Integrated National Security Enforcement Team, let's give credit where credit is due. The police solved the crime. Circulated the rambling threat letter that was sent to three local newspapers in the week immediately prior to a highly incompetent series of explosions. Then they put up the pictures of nine possible suspects taken by a closed circuit camera in the post office where the letter was mailed.

The media solved the crime. Published the pictures and the letter and then proceeded to interview every man, woman and three-legged moose within forty miles of Pettifer Lake in a rush to get their scoop: "Mad Bomber on the Loose."

This intrigued me. I mean, how big can Pettifer Lake be, right?

And you know what I'm capable of. You've watched me now for five years turn your blogs upside down with stunning dexterity to get to the truth. For fun I've researched all manner of benign questions from standoffish old hens who preach internet safety to pubescent daughters all the while as they leave their own windows open and their pants down around their ankles. "You sick bastard," you're saying. I do you for free, imagine what I'd do for five hundred thousand patchoulies.

I always wanted to use that word. I blog at night under a maze of different aliases from a computer in my mother's basement. By day, I'm an investigator in a bank. I also work for secret service. Theirs, not yours.

Ah! "Crackpot!" you're saying. CSIS wannabe. We rejected him ten years ago, he sent his application in by mail. Don't call us, we'll call you.

You think it's an accident I post a story in my blog about a hunting mishap the night before they try taking out Dick Cheney in Kabul. A detailed vignette about Cape Cod the weekend Obama's fishing with his family off Martha's Vineyard? Thanks by the way for shutting down my server for six hours, and all of Twitter, I needed a break. Do you care that I once spent three months drinking coffee in the lobby of CSIS headquarters in Calgary? Another six riding elevators at the U.S. Consulate. That I rent a bare office space across the street from Winthorpe Power Corporation? Coincidence? I think not. But that's fodder for conspiracy theorists. I digress.

I started off on the wrong foot, the same way the cops did. Never mind where was Weibo. All this bullshit about "stay away from our homelands" in the threat letter was just a red herring.

Let me be the first to apologize to the Awaukihegan First Nation. And to thank them for setting out their entire family tree on their website. We're on a first name basis now. Their band began the public protests against development at Pettifer Lake. Set up roadblocks, nearly getting pasted by long haul truckdrivers in the process. Not a tolerant bunch. Still, a largely peaceful demonstration. Police checked out one rammy fellow from their number on an outstanding warrant, but he was clean. The rednecks were wrong. The Indians didn't do it.

Dead end. So then what? I start reading every article in every newspaper about Winthorpe or the bombing. Globe & Mail, Edmonton Journal, Vancouver Sun. Four years back issues of the CoffeeShop Express. Anything I can find. Then follow up each goofball rant from every loose cannon / anonymous commenter who expressed a grudge against the company, atomic energy or the government. Freaky stuff. Well guess what I learned? Nothing. Except possibly that the Unabomber has no computer. He's probably a Luddite.

Back to square one, I'm left with a threat letter and a bunch of black and white photos from the post office.

Anyway, a former U.S. President is in town giving a speech, so I'm standing on the street corner with Ewon Kenahso, a big burly Samoan activist, joking with officers in the carnival atmosphere under threat of imminent sniper fire and just when I bet Ewon ten dollars that the black Mercedes Benz with the Bush look-alike waving from behind a bulletproof backseat window will bolt out of the parkade and turn left the wrong way on a one way street to careen down the tramline (I win the bet), it suddenly hits me.

There's only one bank in Pettifer Lake. It's a branch of the same bank I work at. So I order up copies of ten cancelled cheques from every account of every single one of the two hundred people that live in Pettifer Lake. Just because I can. You think I'm shitting you?

I compare handwriting. It doesn't matter if the bomber purposely wrote the threat letter with his opposite hand, you can't unlearn making a fucked-up "2" like the one on the envelope he sent or the big looping "O's" that look entirely as though they were scrawled by a five year old kid.

I'm getting down to about the eightieth Pettifer Lake bank customer when I finally hit paydirt. Bingo. There it is. A cheque for $200 from "Mrs. Mary Eileen Morrison." The figures are identical.

I google image the bitch, and out jumps her fat face and flat hair on Myspace. It's the same woman in the picture as suspect #9 in the post office photos. Except for a bad auburn dye job. "Nice!" I give a flying fuck if the police now claim all nine suspects have been cleared. We all know who wrote the threat letter. Only one problem though. She couldn't have planted the bomb. The broad's in a wheelchair.

Well that might be a disguise. I gotta go check. It's only 600 miles to Pettifer Lake. I'm always up for a road trip. Now don't go getting your knickers in a knot ladies, won't be visiting you anytime soon. Although I'm itching one night to sing karaoke at Duke's. But I digress.

So I'm sitting on a rural road outside Mary Eileen Morrison's house in a rusty white Chevy pickup. She owns a charming character home, probably been in the family for three generations, with a wide, wraparound porch that looks out onto a scenic valley. Past her horses, she can see far across pine bluffs to a box canyon and a spectacular view of Old Corcoran Mountain.

At least, it used to be a spectacular view. Just on this side of the bluffs, they've begun carving from the hillside an enormous grey eyesore that is slated to become the sprawling sixty-acre Winthorpe nuclear power complex. That's progress, I guess.

I'm taking all this in when the front porch door swings open and out rolls Mrs. Morrison. But it's the tall, lean cowboy pushing the wheelchair behind her who grabs my attention. There's a peculiar earnestness in his pale blue eyes and long silver hair. The couple are both nearly motionless now, staring out in the distance from their porch. I'm so close I can see his big red adam's apple wobble and the purple veins in his neck start to swell. Over the wind, you can almost hear his shrill voice rising at town hall meetings, complaining about the new overhead powerlines and his wife's recent dizziness, pleading with suited reps from Winthorpe Power Corporation, "There's gotta be another way!"

There, there. That's just plain old nimbyism. They're totally within their rights, sir. Ask the guy who commutes 15 miles solo to work every morning in a big yellow Hummer, leaving the lights on in all four bathrooms of his 3-story suburban mansion. He ain't ready yet to hang his clothes out to dry or tend a small vegetable garden in the backyard. And four children is a nice round number for a family.

Three Mile Island? Forget it. Chernobyl? Could never happen. The technology has greatly improved. Thirty thousand year old radioactive lakes? Frankly my dear, won't be my problem.

We need energy to get our energy out of the ground. We can sell what's left over to California, who'll write us IOU's they renege on. Not to mention we're the only province who can afford a nuclear power plant now. Don't worry about trillion dollar cost overruns or the eternal vigilance of maintaining a dismantled facility. Here's to cancer, four-eyed fish and vast tracts of permanently unuseable wasteland the size of Kansas.

Nuclear power is nothing more than a collective admission we made a big mistake. But I digress.

So yeah, there's an odds on chance that old man Morrison did it. Now I've been sitting quietly for 18 months. What are the police waiting for? A signed confession? The Youtube video? I've got half a mind to go arrest him myself. You can't just go around blowing up nuclear power plants.

As for the reward, I'm not holding my breath. Winthorpe lawyers have weasel-worded the contract so bad they won't have to pay a dime. Police might say I jeopardized the whole investigation by breaking the story. But who knows, maybe it'll drum up some chatter. At least as much as their own clandestine efforts, detonating two matching porta-potties within a week and a mile of each other this summer. As if the original bomber would be that stupid.

Flash forward to the front steps of the Winthorpe Power Corporation Building and me tearing up a cheque for $20,000 in front of the T.V. cameras. That's the thanks I get from Winthorpe Power Corp, for speaking up against violent, bomb-wielding terrorists? But we don't do this for the money, do we girls? It's enough that my mother knows I cracked the case.

Maybe one day, when old man Morrison finally gets out of jail, he'll look me up and we'll get a chance to sit down and chat about what happened up at Pettifer Lake. Hopefully over a beer. I'll probably be buying.

 

Stories by Nelson Eshleman have most recently appeared or are forthcoming in Flash Me Magazine, Canopic Jar and the Potomac Review. He lives in Calgary, Alberta. This is his first published piece in Canada.

Reader Comments:

finnBiddell - 2010/02/28
Is this the party?!?! goooo Nelson

Broken Pencil - 2010/02/28
This is it. The final round is upon us. After this, there is mere oblivion and the long wait for next year. A random collection of BP staff will guide you to your rest.

piley - 2010/02/28
Plus Nelson gets $300 and bragging rights!

Fasteddy - 2010/02/28
Nelson's story is superior.

Trash talk - 2010/02/28
"A random collection of BP staff..."? No need to call it commentator. Nelson should win.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCqrVYi93ss&NR=1

x.30.x - 2010/02/28
I must have missed something! Good fortune to the 50-50 partners!

Friend of Cutthroat - 2010/02/28
Nelson for the GOLD!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe8YcvqtAMY&feature=related

cindy - 2010/02/28
Gold!

abi - 2010/02/28
yes gold

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/02/28
Looks looks like i didn't need so much chip dip ; )

Wanderer - 2010/02/28
So Nelson, you talk! You told us who Tina Morrison was patterned after. Care to talk about the IMPORTANT characters?

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/02/28
That's the million dollar question. Maybe you and I should have that beer ; )

Wanderer - 2010/02/28
Promises, promises, Nelson. Why should I believe a beer will get you to spill?

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/01
I believe we are on the same page. We got off on the wrong foot last round because you appeared to make a couple inaccurate assumptions. I was impressed, however, with your blog analysis of the second threat letter. Enough spillage, this is starting to have more leaks than Sgt. Shield's Tim Horton's cup. Can you respect that? And it would help if you'd stop voting for the wrong story ;)

Wanderer - 2010/03/01
Okay, but you owe me, - and I don't drink beer. (That stuff actually does make me sick.)

korma - 2010/03/01
After such an exciting hockey game the boys in the back office decided to give you a free gift as your story is clearly better. Hope this helps as we don't want to see sudden death overtime. Back to making butter chicken lunch specials with lots of nan. Extremely exciting.

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/01
Will curry favour where I can this round. Somewhere between switching off the radio in a rusty white Chevy pickup at the start of a questionable time-out and the long elevator ride upstairs, the wheels fell off. Iggy and the Kid reminded me so much of Mess' and Gretz on that play.

Wanderer - 2010/03/01
Goodbye, Jordan: apparently, I don't admire your taste in sunshine destinations as much as I thought I did.

38.24.36 - 2010/03/01
Where's my friend X30X with his foul mouth. Hopefully he will see thee writing on the wall. Yes, not only was it a questionable time out but it was called after a stoppage at centre ice. Hum. Bye bye sexy boy.

juror#13 - 2010/03/01
So, Eshleman, you are the one to blame for that second goal. ..

korma - 2010/03/01
The boys and I at the curry shop had to watch the game in German as no English coverage over here. German commentator referred to first US goal as "miracle" goal. Extremely amazing. Back to work, Molson Canadian selling well today and for some reason the expats want their curry extra spicy.

Wanderer - 2010/03/01
You're funny, korma, seriously lol

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/01
Ich bin ein Berliner. Glad you could make it to the party, juror#13. Unbiased support is always welcome. If I have to take credit for one goal, I'll take credit for both. Everybody loves a winner. A lot of fingerpointing going on. We can't all be in B.C.

Wanderer - 2010/03/01
So, Nelson, since you're up, are we going to talk about the stories at all in this round, or just hang out, swap YouTub vids and wait for it all to culminate in a win for you?

Wanderer - 2010/03/01
Am I in a pissy mood? It feels to me like I am. The fur flew big-time on the home-front a few hours ago - that would account for part of it. But there's also the question of 'what are we supposed to be doing here, anyway?' to which I have struggled to obtain answers and got absolutely none. Nelson, nobody is more thrilled than me that your extended case of laryngitus has finally been healed; but, seriously, if I have labored under any delusions, surely you must take the credit for that also.

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/01
I've given credit where credit is due. Can't take anything for granted. We've been told there may be a few surprises. Sometimes it's best to study and listen. We may need third party assistance.

Wanderer - 2010/03/01
Oh, joy, I've fallen into the looking-glass and I'm chasing after the March hare. I'm going to bed now, for what's left of my last two hours of sleep. Good nite, juror#13, and may I just heartily wish a surreal day upon you. ;-)

38.24.36 - 2010/03/01
Korma are you trying to take this to 100 so the clock can start all over again. Nasty, bad, bad boy.

lylebrianmorton - 2010/03/01
Vote Nelson

korma - 2010/03/01
The amazing boys in the back office have figured out a way to make this possible, i.e. take your side to 99.5%. It requires multiple IPs but all can be done on remote and extremely quickly. However, after the fun an excitement from that extremely exciting hockey game they have decided for now to let it ride and go back to making Aloo Gobi, Biryani Badshahi, Murg Kababs, and Murg Makhani for our special expat guests.

before the dawn - 2010/03/01
I like kitchen talk, Korma. I can almost feel the bustle. You're making me hungry...

x.30.x - 2010/03/01
Game over at 12:38 am of the first day. Congrats to Eshleman! Next time that I shoot someone with a sawed-off 12 gauge, I'm picking him! It's not "foul" Big Butt 38.24.36, It's "fowl", and Big Bird should have won while the Bear is looking sad without Stephen Colbert at the helm. Good news!, Chile's tsunamis didn't do big damage.

writersblock - 2010/03/01
@korma - I thought "nan" was spelt properly as "naan". And what's better Murg Makhani or Butter Chicken?
And finally, by multiple IPs, do you mean Indians and Pakistanis? Gosh, there are a lot of those - if they vote, Nelson will win for sure.

writersblock - 2010/03/01
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E879PGlGwPg

Wanderer - 2010/03/01
Goodbye Jordan, you never had a chance, actually.

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/01
http://intercontinentalcry.org/kelly-lake-cree-nation-denounces-pipeline-bombings/

x.30.x - 2010/03/01
Where's Weibo Lugnut? More f**g U-Tubs, just great. Can you put that ammonium+nitrate thingy back on? I have to see how far I can send a neighbour's cat.

Wanderer - 2010/03/01
doesn't matter, x.30.x - it's all over but the cryin' - who are you even voting for, btw?
Jordan's down for the count and it's a round of beers (plus one brandy) on Nelson.

x.30.x - 2010/03/01
As you stated,You don't drink beer Wanderer...I do, and lots of it. This game was over at 12:38 this morning and any comments will have no effect. I like Abel's and liked Horner's...and this is just hoo-hum because just a bunch of "catch phrases". And yes, I do read Pulp Fiction...Eshleman's was cutting the cusp between truth and fiction...and I caught myself saying "Yeah But?". Horner's and Abel's got me thunkin' and more enjoyable. Horner's was true, because I have been there and understand the nuances! Without the Bear, I have also been in Abel's story. They created imagination, good on 'em, and kudos for both. Eshleman's is just psstfk with no possibilities and just dry....just my humble opinion.

wiebo - 2010/03/01
Have no fear, I am lurking, off tending to the flock.

writersblock - 2010/03/01
@x.30.x - yeah, you're right, Abel's was imaginative. I was imagining it would get more interesting as I read further.

lylebrianmorton - 2010/03/01
Vote Nelson

x.30.x - 2010/03/01
Well Weibo...flock your flock...and join in Bomb Builder. Wanderer could warm up eventually, yet doubtful. Imagination is a catharsis of stories, where to?. Eshleman didn't give me that, Horner and Abel did as I created a mental novel out of them...Eshleman left me on the street-corner asking for a cab during zippo. It's jmho but I am sticking with them. Stories are a creation of dreaming for the reader. Enough...my Alzheimers just clicked in.

Amy Dupcak - 2010/03/01
well well, big surprise. nelson tells his cronies to knock me out because my story is a threat and now he's winning by a giant landslide. you should be real proud of yourself, man. lame.

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/01
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hdp0h6RCRMo

Wanderer - 2010/03/01
"Wanderer could warm up eventually, yet doubtful." Eh? Where do you think I'm voting, x.30.x?? LOOk up... look waay up.. You're funny, writer's block. Love seeing a bit of humour here. Nelson, get a dictionary. It's not a brawl when it's a slaughter.

x.30.x - 2010/03/01
Amy Dupcak....your story was great (thanks by the way)..I couldn't weld the rock to the button (curling)though and Abel's left me "open". Eshleman's is a mish-mash of regurgitation of stuff that I have read previously. Horner's and Abel's left my mind open, knowing that I didn't lock my doors. No question, Eshleman wins...but it was a dumb story to my mindset. Cheers..."Keep IT On" Amy.

x.30.x - 2010/03/01
Always forgetting, really enjoyed Nelson's coin.."DynoNobelVibrogel"..that got me laughing. Just another DNV!

Wanderer - 2010/03/01
What does DNV mean?

Wanderer - 2010/03/01
@ x.30.x re "Horner's was true, because I have been there and understand the nuances!" You've caught a goose on a fishing line??

law - 2010/03/01
Amy Dupcak: An expression of bitterness because you didn't win... very lame! Nelson has played by the rules .... and you, you had them changed for 'litl'old you. I did my best to see that you did not win based upon an old Canadian sense of fairness to all and a rejection of the privilege given to you. Too, your story was a dark and unhappy reflection of a drug culture which I reject and it was unsuccessfully written in a male voice. Poor Nelson had nothing to do with my dislike of your work. I would suggest that you read the link I have provided - both pages of it and then you can guess which author I am: ...... ...... http://www.guardian.co.uk/book s/ 2010/feb/20/ten-rules-for- writing-fiction-part-one ..... ..... Read it, you may well learn something. Oh --- we didn't mind paying for the trucking of snow because everyone at the games had a fair chance to win, including the US. Congratulations on your country winning the most metal it has ever won at a Winter Olympics. I enjoyed the hell out of myself as did the fruit of my loins and thousands of other people across the country. Sad partings all this week and look for a spike in the birthrate at the end of November this year, god knows I made my contributions ... what a celebration of life it was! People actually enjoyed their amorality for a moment. See you in Russia 2014!

Wanderer - 2010/03/01
Voted. Going to drink now. Hello, law, long time no see. Sorry you're not here to knock back a shot with me. Cheerio.

x.30.x - 2010/03/01
This is NOT good news! "law" went to the Manchester Guardian (pink newspaper full of tripe), probably has Economist for morning reading upon the throne! "law"'s comments about Amy's writing was not fair and way out of place!!If I was Amy, which I'm not, I'd say "Go Fuck Yourself Law". One more U-Tub and I will go ballistic! all my votes don't count anyways.

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/01
http://www.energeticcity.ca/news/10/27/08/pipeline-bombing-appearance-ian-gladue-put-over-until-tuesday

Wanderer - 2010/03/01
Anyway, he's friendlier than thee, x.30.x. You're like a chip of ice on the shoulder. Still haven't had that drink - dang! where does the time go?? Off to try again...

Wanderer - 2010/03/01
P.S. Amy got back what she dished, x.30.x - in case you hadn't noticed.

writersblock - 2010/03/01
Who's Amy?

38.24.36 - 2010/03/01
Hey big boy, thought you would have gotten the message. Score on the right was to also vote you off as we are sick of you X.30.X. Take your fowl potty mouth back to FaceBook or some other site. Just go away or the Indians and Pakistanis will make the vote even higher. Perhaps we should get a small fraction of the 1.5 billion Chinese to vote. LOL

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/02
Taking to the airwaves, will get a chance to read an excerpt from my story and promote the Deathmatch on internet radio live tomorrow night (Tuesday)at 8:00 pm (Mountain Standard time)(10:00 Toronto, 8:00 B.C. at http://www.cjsw.com/programming/show_details.html?id=75

law - 2010/03/02
Who is Amy? I do have a few moments for now to write but I have to leave soon. We have to go the Richmond airport early this morning for a flight home to New Zealand for one of mine who does not want to go home - she is a very delightful 17 year old who shows great promise within her personality and I have had to promise to bring her back for the summer. Please do not blame me for the 'dorky' closing ceremony, I was outvoted and we were short of money .... I say, win some lose some, but never hold a grudge .... I would however tell you too, now that it is over, that I was distressed that Mr. Gretzky did not give his place within the stadium to Catriona Ann Le May Doan for the lighting of the very temporary (and malfunctioning) torch. Mr. Gretzky knew he had been given the singular honour of lighting the real Olympic torch outside and he exhibited that streak of selfishness he has always had towards his own success and promotion. A gentleman, Mr. Gretzky has never been and a Canadian, he is no longer. Now to Ms. Amy Dupcak. I did not like Ms. Dupcak's story as was entered here and I wanted to find out something of her character, sooo, I baited a hook and cast. Ms. Dupcak, somewhat like the goose in the companion story here, dove for the bait and came up hooked. Now Ms. Dupcak and a few of few of her friends would have better served her interests by ignoring the bait and not engaging me in a battle because, as a matter of policy, I take no prisoners .... C'est la guerre et c'est- pas-une-eglise-ici, c'est le Deathmatch! On top of that, Ms. Dupcak is a New York Yankee. Now, c'est dommage but I, in the context of a small criticism of me made here, will explain what I believe a Yankee is: In my opinion and experience, a Yankee is kind of like a quickie, except you can do it in a room all by yourself ..... and just about everybody knows that most Americans are, in this time and in this place, so very, very alone. Think Mr. Michael Ignatieff, who is, in my opinion, another Yankee. Now my personal need for self stimulated sexual gratification really has not existed for some time and does not now exist. I can, if ever required, afford the very best discrete rentals available to a man or a woman of my standing in society, and it is very easy to reach out and touch someone these days without an exchange of anything but the most delightful body fluids. Now on to x.30.x: Are you too, a Yankee? I would give you some advise; it is most wise to inform yourself of many points of view lest you start to believe that your point of view is the only one which is valid. "Pink" or even those black and white newspapers who solicit and publish my opinions are given co-operation as long as I believe them to be "read". Ha Ha. 12:45 am .... have to get all those who want to say goodbye to each other up by 4:00 so that we can get to the airport 2-1/2 hours in advance (another reason to dislike the Yankees) of the flight. Ta Ta For Now!

korma - 2010/03/02
Namaste from Mumbai. Lovely weather and many an expat still recovering from that extremely exciting hockey game. Who is Amy? the boys in the back office have thought about this and we have concluded that she is the one that either didn't take marketing or failed in her exams. Hopefully she will learn something about this game just like many a contestant did on American Idle. Yes dear its not the story that counts, its the ability to market your story so people will vote for you. This is a basic business concept and one we know to well in the curry business. Dear I hope you have learned something for next year. Phir milengay and back to Chicken Tika specials.

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
Thanks for making me smile, korma.

nelson eshleman - 2010/03/02
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QqveNZpk9M

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
"For of all sad words of tongue or pen..."

Fasteddy - 2010/03/02
Hmmmm... I agree CT. Some people are looking for lame excuses. Some people don’t understand math - yes eshleman had a ‘great’ lead in the first half hour, in percentage terms , but hey, it probably only amounted to 10 - 20 votes in total - not insurmountable. Some people might not understand time zones - 12 a.m. Eastern Time rollover favours those in the Mountain time zone in the first hours, but hey, there’s lots of time for the ET folks to catch up when MT people sleep - aren’t the days all the same length everywhere except Nfld where they are ½ hour behind. Some people don’t understand that eshleman has a real following in other continents as he has published stuff elsewhere. Yes, life does not always dish out equality - but neither are the stories - Abel’s story is 869 words (50%) longer than eshleman’s - shouldn’t Abel’s story have been cut off at 1714 words? Some people don’t understand that marketing is part of the game...I’m looking forward to eshleman’s broadcast on radio tonight promoting BP. Or is that unfair too?

Amy Dupcak - 2010/03/02
piss off law. you're boring. i was talking to nelson.

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
@ Amy: anybody can talk to anybody here. P.S. You're boring, too. And rude.

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
Sorry I'll have to miss your radio debut tonight, NE. Be sure to give us a link to it if it's stored online somewhere, eh?

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
LOL Now I know why they call you "Fasteddy."

x.30.x - 2010/03/02
Wanderer...you don't like anyone here, do you? Actually, CJSW radio has some good stuff. Understand that Horner is a big contributor as well. Surprised that he and Eshleman haven't tripped over each other with a penalty for 'elbowing' or "nudge, nudge, wink, wink". Must be just me, but aren't ALL the adjudicators supposed to be here to stop all the heathens from procreation? As Big Butt wallows in a sea of procrastination ("potty mouth" - probably a 95 year old spinster from Lancashire) wondering, "Should I clean the ceiling mirrors tonite?".

Trash talk - 2010/03/02
I'm not sure what will be more entertaining tonight. NE on CJSW or Rick Mercer on CBC. Personally, I'm waiting for the movie to come out...Gotta be a another way starring the Encana bomber.

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
I like almost everybody here, x.30.x. I'm even rather warming up to you. ; )

x.30.x - 2010/03/02
T.T. Weibo (with 49 wives on a leash carrying ammonia and nitrates, what a vision) is going to be on CBC? You're OK Wanderer (even Big Butt is)...can't have an injection unless you put a needle on the coffee table. "Hal" was actually correct; Abel's was in your face, Eshleman's was hoo-hum (read it before). JMHO, and anyone, as myself, who posts here is "open game". As Hal says, it's supposed to be FUN (if not, stay in the truck). I wanna see all the adjudicators diving in like Flynn, it would make for some good tmf and exchanges. They're the folks running the shoo, even when the Fat Lady has already sung...and they better drop the puck, because there is a delay of game. With a haircut, I'm actually a nice resemblance of a person. And yes, unlike many voters, I read (readed?) all the stories at least 3x each (too much information!).

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
The more you talk, x.30.x, the more I like you. What I don't like is: when you throw something out, (esp. if it's aimed at me), and I respond, - and then you run away. It's frustrating for me. Moving on, it looks like I may be able to catch Nelson's talk tonite after all - but if not, I see that podcasts are available. P.S. I like Amy just fine - when she's not whining about losing or carping at poor ol' law. I don't really remember anything Annabel said before her whinefest, so I can't say if I'd like her or not.

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
Okay, now I've made up my mind - I like Annabel!

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/02
Radio piece airs in on hour. http://www.cjsw.com/programming/show_details.html?id=75

x.30.x - 2010/03/02
I wonder, wonder who?....Wanderer, I liked Amy's story and I like Abel's (Horner's and Abel's were fun to read). I even like Eshleman's (boring though). I respect anyone willing to put pencil to paper, isn't that the purpose of writing? I wish that I had the patience to do it, because I thoroughly enjoy writing (and just not well enough, except for my own enjoyment, but I'm the only guy that gets my jokes). Hell, I could send you a 12 page diatribe about my DUI in 1998 or a retrospective (3 pages) of 2 colonoscopys in one day....they only made some sense to me. To me, writing is a Artform and all deserve credit. Darn right, I will throw "needles"...at least, I got answers, mostly not positive. Which is fine on my side of the barn as I deserve it. And no, I don't use the F or N word in public...but I will use it here. I thunk that that was the purpose of Brokenpencil,... to elicit. I don't even know why I am here in the first place...somebody asked me (thanks Burke!)...but they (BP) threw out a lure and caught me so I'm actually enjoying "it". No problem, bare, bear with me as I am harmless. Those U-Tubs drove me nutzoid though as with little bearing (baring?). And dat's all I got to say about dat. Cheers....no fun...no point.

karos - 2010/03/02
NE, you're a frickin' maniac. Nice plea for sympathy you tacked on there.
Now... let's sit back and wait for the fresh spate of click monkeys you just done hired on over the magic of the airwaves. Because I know the human cargo we've got trapped in my basement wired to old iMacs that dispense pellets for every vote are really gettin' ripe and I think CSIS is getting wise...

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
You have a nice voice, Nelson. I'd like to see your writing, x.30.x, - if you were serious about being willing to show it to me. It's a real email address of mine you can use: whstlndixie@gmail.com

x.30.x - 2010/03/02
Wawferan..I got nothing to hide, I threw out my "proper" eMail address about 2 weeks ago. I'll try to find those vignettes (remembering that one confuser is a Big Antique and has never liked me). One's about getting arrested on an Indian Reserve on Vancouver Island moving illegal weapons for a friend (Eshleman will understand this), true story and purely hilarious...many years, after the fact! and the udder one's about having a barium enaema after 2 colonoscopys on the same day..No idea which one was funnier. But I tried between episodes. This BP is supposed to be fun Wanderer. And I'm going to watch 'it' through to the bitter end, already decided. Those adjudicators better show up soon for tit and tat, or they lost their vision of a competition(?)..random thought. OK, beyond the accolades..Which Story do you like the best?...don't send me BS because I live with that stuff every day. Are you whistling in Dixie?

Patrick Horner - 2010/03/02
Happy Birthday x.30.x!

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/02
Holy hell, if you thought my "narrator" felt smug before...thanks for the compliments, folks...tell i didn't nail that one ; )

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
It's your birthday, x.30.x? Hope you're having a happy one! I look forward to seeing reading your stories, x.30.x - they can't be worse than reading about suicidal junkies, anyway. In answer to your question to me, x.30.x, of all the stories I've read here, I really do think that Nelson's is the best by far overall. Here's why I think so: It's clear early on what the author's purpose is: to allow the narrator to (unwittingly) create a self-portrait. In this, it is very consistent inwardly: everything the narrator says further develops the self-portrait. Within that portrait, an event: the bombings, the investigation, the end, and a look into the future, is developed. Nothing jars. There is even a suggestion that time may mellow the narrator, smooth out some rough edges. In contrast with this, we had Amy's story about a suicidal junkie, Horner's story about a baited goose, and Jordan's story about, what, nobody knows for sure. In terms of content, Jordan's and Horner's should lose on principle - there's only death, no suggestion of hope or insight or redeeming light. In fact, Jordan's should come in last. Then there is the issue of clarity: nobody but Jordan knows what the hell is going on exactly in his story. I don't know about you, x.30.x, but I really hate it when I think someone is deliberately trying to confuse me. Jordan's last on the clarity issue, Amy is second last. They both have elements in their stories that are never adequately explained or accounted for. Nelson is the best writer. P.S. Nelson, don't think this statement of my sincere belief in your writing superiority gets you out of that drink you owe me. ;-) Someday... but not Thursday, alas, - sorry, can't come, Nelson. Hope you have a good time, though. No, I'm whistling in Edmonton. To 'whistle dixie' is an expression from down south, where I lived for some years. It means 'to fantasize.' I chose it when I needed a new email address to change the password on a site of mine that had been hacked. I knew it was probably a fantasy that getting a new password and email address would save the site from being hacked again - that's why I picked whstlndixie. And so it turned out to be, because the site got hacked again, in fairly short order. LOL So, x.30.x, which of the stories do you think is best, either of these two, or of the four we've read so far?

x.30.x - 2010/03/02
Thanx Horner!...I'm a real reprobate now! Would be fun to meet you and Juan de Fuca Eshleman for a beer someday...I'll buy (lawyers are worse than Scots, I have no idea why they have fingers in the first place?). Good cheer mate...do you get "trade-ins" for your sunglasses? Yeah, I voted....lots....but I thought that I was going to get some free jewish food. Thanx for your story maestro..I liked it.

x.30.x - 2010/03/02
I wonder, wonder who..who wrote the book of love (please go to treble now!). Wanderer, I know that I am a jerk (but I chuck some thoughts into the mix), I have read Eshleman's Story at least 50x and has nothing for me, thought that Amy's was fine but never the colours on the four rooms without doors and walls (a great place to explore - could have been great fun), Horner's story could have been really funny, as Abel's is Capable...both brought your imagination into it. I didn't need imagination for Jaun de Fuca's, I need it for Horner's and Abel's...and that's why I read in the first place. If you wanna have a firepit, make sure you don't use the neighbour's cat for kindling....butt, I digress.

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/02
You are one tough nut to crack, my friend. The story has it's flaws. No doubt. Gonna have to take my lumps here and accept your rejection as honest opinion. Although an astounding 650 voters a day are saying otherwise. Thanks for the kind words, Karos and Wanderer. Abel and Dupcak are young, they'll bounce back with more determination that ever. And you know me. I'll always be up for that beer ; )

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
@ x.30.x, hmm, you don't seem like a jerk at all to me, right now, when you're talking TO me instead of AT me... In fact, the more you talk, the more interesting you get. (P.S. I NEVER lie about that - it would be a sin and a folly to encourage bores to foist themselves upon the rest of us.)

x.30.x - 2010/03/02
Juan de Fuca Washleman, I'll buy you a beer anytime! (you're a lawyer, make IT a cheap place), got to be with Horner though...so he can keep us away from fisticuffs! And I don't care about your darn cat, named Fluffy. You drove me sideways Eshleman with U-Tubs. Good strategy though. If I ever enter this thingy, I'll just quote Tennyson and ask "How does God feel so Far"? Cheers

38.24.36 - 2010/03/02
Hey X.30.X I thought we all voted you off, yes, the vote on the right is not only for NE's story its also to tell you and your nasty, angry, aggressive personality to PISS OFF. We the click monkey army have voted in droves to do this. So GO AWAY and find another site as we are tired of your nonsense,hatred and post on post. Your a sick puppy who needs help.

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
WE DIDN'T VOTE FOR ANYTHING OF THE KIND, 38.24.36 - SO DON'T YOU DARE TO PRESUME TO SPEAK FOR US! WE'RE having a perfectly pleasant conversation with x.30.x - and YOUR COMMENTS are the unwanted intruders. Get civil or get out!

juror#13 - 2010/03/02
Did someone say beer?

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
x.30.x, are you still there, man? Don't let a noisy shadow scare you away. I was really enjoying 'talking' with you and 'listening' to you...

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
Oh look it's the calvary :-) where ya been, juror#13? Tell x.30.x he's welcome here, please?

juror#13 - 2010/03/02
hey Wanderer. Ain't life interesting. I think I missed the party. funny... last time I missed that it was over... just call me Abel.

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
hey juror#13, the party was still going 'till 38.24.36 showed up. How are you doing, 'Abel?'

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
Also, I'm very sorry that x.30.x seems to have gone, I was finally getting what I'd been wanting - a real conversation with him.

juror#13 - 2010/03/02
personally I think 38.24.36 and x.30.x are soul mates.

Wanderer - 2010/03/02
No! x.30.x doesn't deserve that - did you read what he's been saying here? It's interesting, quirky, and not the least bit hostile.

juror#13 - 2010/03/02
I think they skipped out together, and now I'm going to do the same... but alone... on top of myself apparently. Damn. It's been a long day.

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/02
David Clink is supposed to call us from Regina when he gets there for that beer, juror13. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AHstwxIIiA

juror#13 - 2010/03/03
LOL a lot!

x.30.x - 2010/03/03
Jew#13...I got beer, only bring laughs. Must assume that Big Butt, as most others, doesn't like me, too bad for me! If she could find her ass, she'd probably find a smile. Murkey requiring another roll. In other new news, if Burke ever marries Audrie. We have to talk about Religion! One syllable which got confused. Throw darts Big Butt!

indeona - 2010/03/03
I don't care... I'm prepared to dodge the rotten fruit. I LIKE the youtubes. Does myspace have ceilings and pipes?

juror#13 - 2010/03/03
God love ya x.30.x... Good night.

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZb8CnUzUOc

x.30.x - 2010/03/03
Thanks Big Butt (38.34.36, without gravity)for voting me off, IT got to be some fun at times...Is Eshleman a proverbial Asshelamn Arsenic Asshole?...or, just a nice guy? Your choice is yours. Abel was capable and Horner was a hooker in an earlier lifetime. What's the matter with you? It's just glee. And your butt looks bigger than a "36". JC!

38.24.36 - 2010/03/03
Hey Big Jerk, GO AWAY us click monkeys have voted you off. If you don't go away, guess we will have to file an official complaint with BP. If defamatory comments, racist comments and bad language can get you kicked out of MSN, Face Book and other sites, then surely BP will also comply because all sites have to abide by the LAW. Alternatively, us click monkeys can sit here and post on top of post with rude racist comments that add nothing to the spirit of this contest. Don't push us potty mouth or you will wake up to see post on post. GO AWAY the game is over.

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
x.30.x is GREAT when you're not around to wind him up, 38.24.36. Why do you let that thing pull your chain, x.30.x? Do ya wanna be a puppet all your life?

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
Dang! I didn't warm the brandy up enough! Got a kick like a mule when it's cold - and it's not the only one - hahaha!

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
It's 3:05 AM in Alberta, and it's "just us chickens" holding down the fort. I'm getting seriously blasted on fine brandy - Hennesey VSOP - what a trip! Beer doesn't begin to compare.

korma - 2010/03/03
Namashka from Mumbai where we have just finished our lunch hour rush. The Boys in the back office and I couldn't agree more with Annabel. What's the point BP, NE has proven that he has very strong support and unless Abel can get some of 400 million Chinese that are online to vote, this game is over and we have to sit here for the next 4 days and 19 hours watching some posters throw insults at one another that is worse than a case of ring sting after an extra spicy curry. Shubha raatri from Mumbai.

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
I've been stealing a few minutes to read some of your other fiction, Nelson. I've just finished Box Lunch, which is fairly delightful. Before that, I read Annie's Song, which is a very good piece of writing, albeit sad. You're a very decent writer of pulp fiction - don't know why you don't try to earn money doing it.

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
Sorry to Hear You Won't Be Able to Make It to the Flywheel reading, Nelson!! (I was even thinking of trying to 'pop in' to take you up on that beer. Dang!)

law - 2010/03/03
Ms. Dupcak: Ha Ha .... a little f[r]iction young woman? "Piss off?" .... me thinks you have a fixation with ".. concentrate on the urine collecting in your bladder.."(from Vacancy by Amy Dupcak) The rules, as you know, are that there are no rules except getting people to vote for you, persuasion works best, not name calling! That said, I can assure you, that in the appropriate circumstances, I find the sound of a woman's vibrating and randomly oscillating labium - that sound which is caused while a female is urinating ... pissing to you ...in that smooth porcelain bowl giving the sound of that urination an enhanced and a happy amplified echo to be quite stimulating and full of wet promise for the following moments, minutes or hours. Yes Ms. Dupcak, simple pleasure in all things is possible with the right attitude. So "piss off" is a good thing darling, it relieves the anxiety a lot of women have that they may lose bladder control during an organism and anything which allows a woman to relax and fully participate in a joyful romp is just simply F'ing Marvelous! Viva la femme! Chez la femme! On the other hand, I realized many years ago that no one could enjoy a "good piss" any more then I (or you) can and because of that knowledge, I have reason to smile 5, 6, 7 times every day! Ha! Oh, I voted again.

Amy Dupcak - 2010/03/03
ah well law, i'm in a good deal of pain today, so let's kiss and make up. thanks for checking out "vacancy."

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
I voted, too. Uh oh, Annabel's gone back to sulking. Thought you were going to concentrate on the game, dear? Look, you're just getting law all hot and bothered for nothing. lol

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
Yo, Amy, what's up, dear? (besides Law's libido, I mean)

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
I'm trying to ignore you, 38.24.36, and now I'm failing miserably: You think 'yo' is more lame than 'ta ta?' hahahahah

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
I think 38.24.36 is hot for you, Amy. Showing very keen interest in you...

law - 2010/03/03
Amy ... Done! Wanderer ... my libido has never been down (at least since I was 12 - not my fault, I was born with a double Y chromosome - some of my kids have it too, God love em). The point I am making is that writers need to use all the tools available to them ... the difference between excitement and information being conveyed and obscenity is in how it is described ... limitations in language usage are limitations of the mind. Besides, I am only contributing to the rest of the fiction found here.

korma - 2010/03/03
Holy Rogan Gosh, I go away for a few hours to take care of the dinner rush and the site has been infected by someone with a very bad case of ring sting. Eat some yogurt my dear it will take the edge off.

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
Ahh, the soul of a poet shimmers through the other stuff... "who kisses the joy as it flies..." Thanks for those, 38.24.36. I look forward to seeing what becomes of that promise...

korma - 2010/03/03
Very stylish, extremely amazing, you are very qualified my dear, but the boys in the back office and I think the point has been made once more. This final ended on the first night and its pointless continuing because the posts are getting on our nerves. We are way beyond the pain of ring sting. Yogurt won't help. Come on BP put this to bed.

x.30.x - 2010/03/03
Wanderer...Hennessy "X.O."; cuban coheba, slightly laced by Mary Jane with CKUA radio...nothing better. Trust me, I'm not a puppet (with so many ex-wives, no one pulls my strings anymore!) but 38.24.36 is such an 'easy mark' you don't even need bird-shot to hit her. I'll take you up on that beer anytime (anyplace except downtown). And yes, this competition was over 38 minutes after it started. Too bad really but, then again, Dubya won Florida so no one ever said that 'voting' was fair (just ask Woodrow Wilson). Cheers to 'law' too.

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
cool, x.30.x, very cool

x.30.x - 2010/03/03
Wanderer....your previously posted "gmail" account doesn't exist according to my 'provider' (telus). Oh well, I tried. Was sending recipe for "curried pickled pork barreling".

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
x.30.x It exists, I use it every day to sign into one of my online sites. But try this one, then: fakirscanada@shaw.ca

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/03
http://www.auroradesigns.ca/page/page/4415144.htm

x.30.x - 2010/03/03
So anyways...who is Weibo Ludwig? And why did his parents give him that name in the first place? And where is Tom Lake, BC after all? For Big Butt, he's a vegetarian and he only eats beaver. Also is known to run with chicks in the coop, but that's only upon Sunday with a cracker chaser.

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
gotyour email, x.30.x, and I just sent you a reply. Thanks for forwarding the bounced message. You left a letter out of the other address, which is why it didn't work. I owe you an apology right here on BP as well, for having said that the email address you gave me before was a fake. I should have tried it, instead of looking for a non-existent site. I'm very sorry, x.30.x. That was a particularly bad day for me, and you were the unlucky innocent to get kicked.

x.30.x - 2010/03/03
Received your massage...explains where your votes went. I liked Abel's because it was fun and I know way too much about Nelson's basis of story. And no, I have never caught a goose on a fishing line (although my seester did get one with her slingshot and she can't see beyond her nose...way too funny!, and yes, beer bottle openers are always rusty in the tackle box): and we had 'Helen the Duck' for four years, she lost one of her webbed paws to a snapping turtle, so we made crutches. Helen's probably still drawing disability insurance. All true vignettes, except Helen couldn't sign her name properly so we had a surrogate pencil. She waas a good visitor for several years along the beach but eventually had to be stuffed with onions and bread crumbs (previously ingested); no curry korma. Eshleman's OK (enjoyable), just preferred the possibilities of his foe.

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
No, seriously, I prefer Nelson's writing, and plots, x.30.x We'll just have to disagree on that. Thanks for the chat, tho. Why don't we talk about the stories, people?

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/03
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMwI1DlZpyY

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
P.S. The site auroradesigns is NOT mine.

prose pundit - 2010/03/03
Nels, I agree. "We don't have much time to live," nor to listen to that 9 minute Konstantine video. Amy, girl, don't take any of Law's shit to heart, I hear he has no soul. (Okay, I actually didn't hear this but who knows?) x.30.x - thanks for the insight into your life, I can now understand some of the fury, poor Helen. Korma, you are making me hungry with all the food I have yet taste, do you deliver? Hey, anyone see that pirate guy who left his caps lock on? I kinda liked him.

Annabel - 2010/03/03
Nelson, you seem to have a reporter's writing style. Ever think of wanting to be embedded with the military in a foreign country like Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan or someplace where there's some real action? It could be a real blast! (but, I digress).

x.30.x - 2010/03/03
prose pundit....no fury here. Helen was actually pretty tasty, slowly turned, on the firepit with a slight mustard, maple syrup glaze. Unlike Big Butt, she didn't yelp once. Must have been the missing curry? Quacked a lot though!

law - 2010/03/03
@Prose Initiate or, in the alternative, PP: Re: My lack of soul? ... I should like to advise you that, in the context of my explorations of a specific religion, I have had (while on my knees before so many of the infinitely varied Goddesses life has seen fit to provide to me and on oh so many, many occasions during the bulk of the length of my life) some deeply penetrating and almost wildly and exhaustively fulfilling religious experiences .... You know .... OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH God! ...... L M (_!_) Off ..... Besides, Ms. Dupcak and I already made up, I liked her story "Vacancy" which she published in Slush Pile Magazine.... and, with respect to the bone of contention, she did write to her students @ http://www.schoolrack.com/Dupc akWriting/creative-writing- assignments/ .... "This must be typed in Times New Roman, but there is no other specific format. It must be 160-170 words, no longer. WINK SYMBOL" ..... Now, PP, I can do this kind of thing for years, and it IS such great fun ... yet, I came here to vote, so I shall just do that. Ha Ha Ha Ha Did someone say you couldn't have fun at this site! Ha Ha Ha Ha

law - 2010/03/03
Oh, one other thing Prose Pundit. I have created and named many children and I ALWAYS looked at the initials the proposed name would give that child and any nickname which might flow from the formal name given in a way so that simple minded folk could not use that child's name to make fun of them .... a standard defensive gesture for any person who has any good observation powers and some sense and experience. You might wish to rethink calling yourself PP. Ha Ha Ha ... As I said before: "C'est la guerre et c'est- pas-une- eglise-ici, c'est le Deathmatch!" .... meaning: It is the war, it is not a church here, it is Deathmatch!

Wanderer - 2010/03/03
Curse my short-sightedness in picking a long password!

Wanderer - 2010/03/04
wakey, wakey...

38.24.36 - 2010/03/04
Hey big boy, just wondering if I should go for another round of over posts. Nothing else is going on here. Percentages changed a little bit but the game is over. Ta ta for now.

Wanderer - 2010/03/04
Yo, ta ta: ha ha!

38.24.36 - 2010/03/04
Just soiled my knickers from laughing.

prose pundit - 2010/03/04
Tsk, tsk Law. C'est vrai, tu n'as pas d'âme même pas de coeur, je le vois clairement maintenant. Just call me Frances Unguhart.

Wanderer - 2010/03/04
@ pp: Silly, only a soul is capable of real humour. So law has got one - but the juror is still out on thee.

38.24.36 - 2010/03/04
Not sure who/what is funnier, you or the big boob squirting milk in Woody Allen's movie. Ha ha oh flat chested one.

Wanderer - 2010/03/04
38.24.36: you're not gonna get my cup size out of me that way - thanks for trying, though! hahahaha

38.24.36 - 2010/03/04
Oh someone is awake. What was that famous line, "by lock or by latch I'll get at that _____" Time for some fun...

law - 2010/03/04
Awwwwww PeePee: "It's true, you have no soul no heart, I see him(it?) clearly now". Now that would have hurt if I believed you intended the (it) - as in the making of me into a mere object as you may think I do to women, but I am encouraged since I have concluded that, like Frances: C'est vrai, que vous êtes un pauvre(faible?) juge de caractère (personnage?)et littérature. C'est de la fiction, n'est-ce pas? J'écris ma propre histoire ici. I'll bet that I have opened subjects here which make those who believe in their own liberalism and open minds, rougir! You are right, however, in your judgement of one aspect of my character, je suis juste probablement, seulement un animal! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Je manque du concept Catholique de moralité, le besoin "d'allant au diable" .... Mais j'ai dépensé(passé?) beaucoup de mon temps réparant les dégâts faits aux femmes que l'on dit "c'est sale là- bas". One of the most soul destroying and controlling phrases used in any language. Mais j'ai dépensé(passé?) beaucoup de mon temps réparant les dégâts faits aux femmes que l'on dit "c'est sale là- bas". I teach it. Au revoir pipi de pipi. C'est seulement un petit cadeau, mais je suis jusqu'à la tâche. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! ...... God I hope most of you here can read French Ha Ha .... here to vote, doing it!

Wanderer - 2010/03/04
@38.24.36: Wow, I'm clueless - I actually googled that "famous quote" several different ways - before I managed to finish the sentence by thinking it thru. And YOU are very naughty. I'm gonna tell teacher on you...

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/04
Awww, isn't that cute. Somebody has his first literary reading tonight at 7:45 pm at Pages Books in Kensington. Don't feel you have to come, I actually don't mind a room full of strangers. The whole thing will be on podcast at some point soon. If you do, get there early, it's a small venue, I went to one late a few months back and had to "listen" from the bottom of the stairs. Might make a plug for BP and my story here in the Deathmatch ; )

Wanderer - 2010/03/04
So long, then, and good luck with that, Nelson. It's been real - (oh, wait, no it hasn't.)

wiebo - 2010/03/04
I'm bored, I am changing my votes to Abel.

wiebo - 2010/03/04
Sorry Nelson, can't make it tonight, notice is too short and the drive too long.

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/04
Yeah, that's right bitches! Daddy's home! Once again I knocked them dead. Didn't get quite the plug in I wanted for the Deathmatch. Patrick Horner was conspicuous by his absence ;)

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/05
...LOL Markus...i hear you brotha...thanks for checking in giant, mighty big of ya...abi you've been a stalwart...wanderer keeping it interesting...trash talk finds the gorilla in the room...the ever effervescent 38.24 has an equally huge heart under that chest...and don't you dare be changing your vote weibo, or i'll be prioritizing that sour gas proposal i've got on a lease about a mile north of your place...

Wanderer - 2010/03/05
There, there, dear... the bad boys in blue are gone now... it's okay to open your eyes and look around - at reality. hahahah

abi - 2010/03/05
happy week end

Wanderer - 2010/03/05
back at ya, abi and all. trash talk - I couldn't resist passin on that gem to a particularly crotchety set of legal beagles. Didn't credit you. Hope you don't mind. lol

wiebo - 2010/03/05
Just an idle threat, like most of'em, despite the rumored DNA evidence. Votes to continue as previously communicated - will proceed until apprehended.

markus - 2010/03/05
No disrespect to Nelson but I havent even read the story yet but I voted for it. I would rather chop my dick off, throw it in the woods, and watch the bear from Abel's piece of shit story eat it than see Three Dudes, Some Drugs, and a Bear win this competition. Finally, with an 82.35% share of the votes, a decided portion of this sites readership can see through the HST hack job that is Abel.

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/05
...just confess...you'd feel better if you did...never mind your lawyer and the right to remain silent...he won't be doing your time with you...you'll get more lenient treatment if you cooperate...if you have nothing to hide, why won't you talk...start from the beginning and tell me again where you were in October 2008...now tell me again in reverse chronology...was it dyna nobel vibrogel alone or did you bomb it with the use of some other explosive too...you may as well talk, we have the DNA evidence...and a witness in the next room is prepared to testify against you...here's that glass of water, i know you want to tell me, you don't want to talk to mr. bad cop again, do you...

Wanderer - 2010/03/05
Who you callin' bitch, Britney???

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/05
Whoops. Roommate must have got on my computer again ; )

giant - 2010/03/05
Thanks Wiebo

Juror#13 - 2010/03/06
Reaching beyond one self to acknowledge the role of an audience and its worth, is a huge step in the development of a writer. In doing so, questions of relevance can be entered upon. But the 'me' stage is necessary, right?... not to be pooh poohed. Should it not be encouraged to play itself out to whatever length... like a child's questions? Should it not revel in itself, like poetry? Is this not where perspective is explored... where objectivism and subjectivism are juggled so that on the course of natural progression, the writer moves beyond self, equipped to effectively and significantly argue and express his point through 'believable' characters and 'pertinen't situations? Can anyone tell my what I'm babbling about? I'm sure I can blame it on the meds. since I am usually quite naturalistic. : )

Wanderer - 2010/03/06
I understand you, Juror#13, but I don't have time to think about it right now, except to say "poor baby" - hope your headache's gone by the time I return. Yes, sudden caffein withdrawal can lead to headaches. Hope your day was otherwise good. Later..,

Wanderer - 2010/03/06
Is that "babbling," Juror#13? Then you must be freakin' brilliant when you're not whacked out on meds.

korma - 2010/03/06
Holy chicken korma. This is a blow out. Need to start preparing menu for end of contest celebration. Boys in the back office have done a great job and all for free.

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/06
...i'm always up for a nice pair of glob jommins ; )

Fasteddy - 2010/03/06
HEY BROOKE FORD >>> come over this this side. (Your attempts to resuscitate Abel didn't work). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTwq1_9VH68

Wanderer - 2010/03/06
LOl Viking culture WAS cruel in many ways - so was Spanish culture under Isabella and it still is today with its bullfighting culture. The French were infamously cruel colonists (see 'history of Haiti' for ex), and the Britsh have nothing to boast of on that score, either.

conspiracy theorist - 2010/03/06
...thanks for the vid, Ed...was wondering when someone might attempt to analyze Abel's story by viewing a "Bear" in the context of our gay community ; )

Markus - 2010/03/06
Nelson - Now that I've actually read your story I am even more confident in my previous statement where I noted that I would rather chop my dick off, throw it in the woods, and watch the bear from Abel's piece of shit story eat it than see Three Dudes, Some Drugs, and a Bear win this competition. With only a day and a half of viting left I doubt I need to wish you good luck but screw it, Good Luck anyway. -Markus

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/06
Another question. Why do you write? Early encouragement helps. I won a creative writing contest in grade 4 living up in Rainbow Lake. Maybe its something we think we're good at. You find basketball players shooting hoops. It's a chance to excel. Maybe to show off or attract attention. Find yourself a muse, write your heart out. A preening gesture or courtship ritual. We pooh pooh beginning writers for self-referential work when they write about "me." Then for "derivative" work when we write about "them." Where's the imagination in that? These are patterns that we recognize, phases to pass through as you "write about what you know." We value honesty. Document the human condition. Truth doesn't always make for a good story, I like a blend of fact and fiction. You spot the lie. A journey to understand the origins of self expression might take you to Lascaux in France to study cave paintings. We write like Hemingway or Hunter S. to broaden the interest in our stories, emulate the masters as we learn to paint. It's not all bad, it keeps it fun and stimulating, maybe even entertaining as we hone our "craft." So by the time you have something socially or culturally relevant to say, you can put it on paper in an interesting or creative way so that people might listen. Or maybe by the time you are as good as Margaret Atwood, people are so jealous of your success that they won't want to hear. Did I mention that I had a story in Volume 1 of the Asia Literary Review, but it was only until Volume 11 that they published Margaret Atwood. Keep your head up, Maggie. Maybe like SH says we use stories to work through problems we encounter or situations we hear about, to arrive at a narrative solution. Think Aesop's Fables. Maybe our minds are conditioned to make sense of our environs through story. That idea and much more is explored in a great book by Jordan Peterson, a clinical psychologist and Professor at the U of T (one of the most literate guys I know). http://www.amazon.ca/Maps-Meaning-Architecture-Jordan-Peterson/dp/0415922224

Wanderer - 2010/03/07
Hah! finally allowed to vote again. Note to self: make note of the time. Self replies: drop dead, I'm gonna be out of this chair by 5.30!

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/07
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdCrZfTkG1c

Wanderer - 2010/03/07
omg Nelson, what are you doing up? Couldn't you sleep either? omg I'm gonna be in trouble at dinner tonight... two hours of sort of sleep, kept closing my eyes, kept seeing faces, kept waking up again!

Wanderer - 2010/03/07
What happens in 9 hours? (Not that I'll be around at that point, - unless things go REALLY badly at din-din). So does the page go up in a puff of smoke at zero hour or what? P.S. voted, just for the hell of it at this point.

Fasteddy - 2010/03/07
Congrats NE! Salute to the winner: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wh5o9xp19so&feature=related

Trash talk - 2010/03/07
The party continues!! We knew you could do it Nelson!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LW2RlaC6nAs

ticktalk48 - 2010/03/07
Congratulations Nelson! A Brilliant Execution. A few libations are forth coming:-)

abi - 2010/03/07
congratulations nelson game is over

Broken Pencil - 2010/03/07
And so it ends, with the most lop-sided victory in Deathmatch history. Thanks to our combatants, our special guests and all who voted or commented. The Deathmatch will return.

Cindy - 2010/03/07
Was it really ever going to be any other way?

lylebrianmorton - 2010/03/08
You did it. Great job Nelson. Hopefully someone buys your story. Like they say, never give up.

Friend of Cutthroat - 2010/03/08
The comment secion is unique: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhmjnYKlVnM&NR=1

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/08
If I don't get a chance, I should add, I thought Amy Dupcak's story was the best in the contest, hands down.

Wanderer - 2010/03/08
Why is that, Nelson?

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/08
Verisimilitude.

Wanderer - 2010/03/08
Ahh. But, I thought you favored "a blend of truth and fiction." Have you had a change of heart on that score, then?

x.30.x - 2010/03/12
So Nelson...what you're telling me is that you didn't vote with your brain but, like any Chicago Political Machine, voted for the 'expedient' to achieve self interest?

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/12
mea culpa. p.s. hey. the deathmatch is over ; )

x.30.x - 2010/03/13
Just checking for the "Florida Recount" Nelson....'The Parrot' is never dead ;)

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/13
...i'll know a little bit more about "expediency" when i have to kiss as many asses as you did in the forward of your new book...great job, though buddy, i'm enjoying the read ; )

x.30.x - 2010/03/13
Eshleman....now, you're getting my "drift" Nelson. The parrot ain't dead until autopsy. Why consider stopping in midstream, when the stream still flows? Many folks had some fun here at 'Deathmatch' so why stop having some fun?...Did someone tell me to stop having fun, and whatever it is, shouldn't STOP? Kissing asses would be a newbie for me, do I need Kleenex for this life-altering state? As never written, my new book really sucks 'hind teat'. Just makes no sense when some good comments die "between" presentations of "Stories"...possibilities?

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/14
...let the chits fall where they may, they were all legit...patented moves such as the "Spider Boost", the "Master Blaster" and "Sunday Night Surge Party" all orchestrated by an international legion of generals in a perfectly executed Survivor-style attack will no doubt spawn changes in the Deathmatch format to be dubbed the "Eshleman Rules"...the coroner's results show the patient died of a massive heart failure...everyone, including the big-boned lady has sung, except you my friend, make it a good one, I've fired my last parting shot...next time you mess with the Foss family/Eshleman gang and Mr. Kenahso on Fox Creek turf, bring friends ; )

Wanderer - 2010/03/14
Maybe you need to create a new story, Nelson.

Wanderer - 2010/03/14
One with hope.

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/14
...point me again to the story about hope here?...i hope there's no more bombings...misery triumphs in the contest sweepstakes ; )

x.30.x - 2010/03/15
Come on!...Weibo's just p.o.'d because he doesn't get a Freehold Natural Gas Royalty to maintain the burgeoning crowd of his own Ludwig (LugNut?). Unfortunately, the Grass is never greener over a pipeline Right of Way. I can already envision the "Eshleman Doctrine" ("ED")...(no votes from single syllable avatars, one vote per IP/ one vote per day, jews can't vote on passover without a 'punchline' etc, etc.). Regards to Wanderer, the Stalwarterer. Cheers.

Wanderer - 2010/03/15
(One more time, for-the-hard-of-hearing): Ahem, I said: Maybe YOU need to CREATE a story with hope in it, Nelson... Unless, of course, you LIKE it when misery triumphs...

Wanderer - 2010/03/15
Hey, there, x.30.x, back at ya, - and doesn't it take one to know one? :-)

x.30.x - 2010/03/15
Recommendation. Eshleman Rule #2B: Please "Deathwatch"; Contest itemizes a basic common "story" premise for entry. For example; 'A Day on the Bus', 'A Doctor's Appointment' et cetera so, then, voters can compare oranges to rutabagas instead of 'Joe Meets Sally on the GoTrain'. Wanderer, 'stalwartism' is better than 'scientoloygism', JMHO.

Wanderer - 2010/03/15
@ x.30.x, I didn't take it as an insult. lol And, as Tom Cruise has made painfully clear, almost anything is better than "scientoloygism" LOL

x.30.x - 2010/03/15
No slight intended, nor even thought of, as prefer self-deprecation before all the fireworks begin. As Eshleman confesses, all is legit! Just shows to go me that some 'background rules' should be in place prior to artists brain-draining upon paper for this Contest to move forward. I thoroughly enjoy the Bulwer-Lytton Awards at San Jose University (entered 8 times to no avail, nutz!) and The Premise is as simple as simple can be. "Deathmatch" needs the same sorta stuff. JMHO et cheers to reprobates.

Wanderer - 2010/03/16
Okay, Nelson, you win! lol I'm gonna point you to "the story about hope here." You can look for it when the cock crows on St. Paddy's day... ;)

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/23
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNH0a9ZyBPs

x.30.x - 2010/03/25
Howcum' Eshleman can't make his U-Tub 'links' coloured blue with blue-underlining?? TIA from us old folks on pensions and fixed incomes who can't remember the sub-link garbally-gook to type for a U-Tub.

Derek Winkler - 2010/03/25
Well, x30, all HTML tags are ruthlessly stripped from your comments before they are allowed within the sanctified fields of our database. If you want to know why, get thee to Google and look up "cross-site scripting."

x.30.x - 2010/03/25
I knew IT! 'Wanderer'!!!...they Do pay attention after Deathmarch in AD! Nelson still comes by the odd time. Winkler, I've never posted an HTML ever (no clue how to), so you have picked the wrong person in an OXO Cube! How do you 'open' the damn things in the first place? (Eshleman and Wanderer) pass through the time to time = Opportunity?...just a point of contention/interest. Yes!...I am horn-swaggled and I still can't 'open' stuff. Thanks...only upon good grace and fun? x.30.x (I stole the moniker!..call me BIFF!)

Wanderer - 2010/03/26
http://i905.photobucket.com/albums/ac252/Wanderer024/chainedangelandkey.jpg

Wanderer - 2010/03/26
And now we all know WHY those you tub links are usually served up BROKEN. @BP: Sorry about that. Hope you're not too bent out of shape...

Derek Winkler - 2010/03/26
I'm not just monitoring the deathmatch. I keep a watch on every damn comment on the site in order to expunge any spam. Why are you guys still here?
X30, you're just gonna have to copy and paste the links. Crude, but effective.

Wanderer - 2010/03/27
Sorry, Derek, it's my fault, I think. I made a passing comment to Nelson in reference to something else, he was courteous enough to respond, and that put a little life back into the comments. Hope we didn't cause too much work for ya. Sayonara, all.

Derek Winkler - 2010/03/27
Hell, stay as long as you want. It's no extra work for me. I was just curious.

Wanderer - 2010/03/27
Okay, let me reward your gracious hospitality, then, by being the first to try to satisfy your curiosity on that score:
Why are a few of us still here? Maybe x.30.x and I only feel comfortable communicating here in this 'safe' place. Nelson humours us by looking in occasionally, I think.

x.30.x - 2010/03/28
Winkler....'curiousity' never killed anything or anyone. 'Stupidity' has been quite successful however in that curious effort for a Darwin Award. The Writers and their stories are still here and shouldn't demise because it was a white and black competition once a year. Perhaps Wanderer agrees (?); in that, this "Deathmatch Forum" needs to evolve into a full-meal deal, year round for the interested (perhaps now 4, there are many interested folks BTW)? As Wanderer alludes to...conversation and communication doesn't die because there was a damn vote. Wanderer, I think, understands that there could be some great "side-bars" associated with 'Deathmatch'... Poems?, short stories?, experiences?...NO Editors involved (unless they enjoy the concept) to get to a "Competition", no prizes, no votes (could be a 'star system though?). It's called fun...which is why anyone started writing, singing or gestating in the first place in the first place. And, it's "safe" too boot! Cheers.

Wanderer - 2010/03/28
Depends. I'd be interested in this if the writers are. But I also understand if they're not. Maybe if others picked up the slack for creative input, took the burden off the writers, they might be more interested. It's not fair to ask them to write stories just so we can talk to them and about them.

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/28
Maggie scores 500,000 pachoulies...the hard way...get a room, you guys ; )

conspiracy theorist - 2010/03/28
...okay, i'll start...once upon a time, a retired doctor lived in a pretty lavender house on the corner lot of a scenic block adjacent to a burbling stream...humidity and rampant sunshine in the sheltered flood plain proved a boon to the doctor's new hobby of gardening....he easily garnered many prizes for the best kept lawn in the district...one day municipal workers from the city of grande prairie arrived and chose his lot upon which to erect a common street sign, marking the corner of pleasant and waterloo...this fresh blight upon his painstakingly cultivated vantage irked the good doctor...so much so, that one night he hooked a chain to his bumper and yanked the new street sign clear out of its concrete moorings...of course, this was the improper and incorrect thing to do...it was selfish...he gave little thought to the the many dozens of future motorists who would pass down his street at a loss to gain a bearing on their whereabouts...he should have just moved away if he didn't like the sign ; (

x.30.x - 2010/03/29
CT...Are you #1 or #2 "conspiracy theorist"? Good on ya'mate! Can't answer for Wanderer (we don't live together, maybe have some laughs though?), but I wanted to try a continuum...as the door was left open at "Deathmatch"....they don't get "it" yet about possibilties?

x.30.x - 2010/03/29
Wanderer and CT; attached is a true story. Is there something possible here for Deathmatch? I saw marvelous possibilities of Horner's Story. I'll start #2 CT!! U dawg! (btw. they need wider pages for this shit!)
"Subject: Tommy and the Tooth Fairy
Recent queries seem to demand an underview of the Alberta Health System and Tommys Medical Interpretation for several interested folks.
As known by several (mostly the golfers), Tommy has been an incessant complainer about some aggravation of chest pain and, mostly, muscle spasms (please use term 'muscle' sparingly here) for a couple of years now. Examples were glorious times in Kelowna, open warfare with firepits and Kimberly due to good, clean living and a belief in the after-life (or, gravity will stop that fall). Previous experiences had kept Robax Platinum and some neato pain killers a very good 'stock-buy' for the investing public.
Anyways...I had a bout of the 'spasms' (left side only) for 3 days just after Christmas, which I thought was normal and controllable. Well!...it wasn't as I got some massive ones! So, I contacted one of my loving daughters suggesting that perhaps I required some help. It was either this, or throw my face through the living room window to ease the pain. Erin arrives at the house, and after we decide that the EMS doesn't do house calls for a shot of Demerol, we find a phone number for "Non-Emergency Medical Aid" in Calgary as I wanted this to be on the "QT". Well shit...within 3 minutes, the Fire Department arrives with flashers flashing and sirens sirening...followed by the Ambulance with flashers flashing and sirens sirening. Of course, Erin went to school with several of the arriving caregivers so they're happily remembering old times while they pick and prod! And it's off to Foothills Hospital we go. Foothills is a rather large Hospital.....so 10 hours in the ER Waiting Room is expected, writhing in pain, where English is definitely a second language, but I finally get a bed. A few hours later, they give me a 'vanilla' X-Ray when I am then quickly admitted to Ward 7 (Trauma and post-OP). Morphine and Percocets ensue to which I quickly become a big-fan of. They put me into Room 728-2.
Unfortunately, there is also a bed # 728-1 which is dwelled by 'Mary', a 650 pound woman whom has recently had a cancerous growth removed from one of her 250 pound legs. Well, Mary doesn't like anyone, especially hospital orderlies, whom she denigrates 24/7 as being dirty foreigners and describes them with the "N" word constantly. This is only outdone by her dislike of all nurses not at her beck and call within 25 seconds, only to be outdone by her spigots of crying to relatives about why she is ill-done by...and especially complaints to her doctor about the incompetency of the Residents attending to her care. Little does Mary understand that her residents are part of her Doctor's Team! In her moment of "Dream-On", Mary explains to her doctor that her leg-muscles will help her heal....to which, her doctor explains to her that her legs are 250 pounds of fat each (Doctor is rather perturbed by this time!) and don't have any muscle and that this may not be possible. By this time, the Nurses, orderlies and I are having some chuckles about Mary's collective abuse to lighten the vile air. This collective abuse is surmounted by Mary's propensity to defecate and urinate in her bed, rather than the washroom which is 10' away, and then demand for the nurses to clean up her bed at 3 am as just a 'side-show'! Mary only lasted my room mate for 2 nights. It was after Mary's departure that the Hospital Staff and myself decided that "The Darwin Award" is a good thing and we lit candles each evening for Mary's well-being.
Fortunately, my next two room-mates (Jugo-retired plumber prof from SAIT and Brian-electrician from Ft. McMurray; an interesting story each) were great guys and we gave whatever staff available some good chuckles (assuming that they got our sense of humour as they laughed at the appropriate times).
Next day, I am on a zero intake of food and a diet of Colyte; a wonderful 5 gallon concoction (supposed to taste like pineapple but closer to unleavened bullfrog piss) to cleanse my erring soul for an intestinal lobotomy. After ingesting and subsequent "firehoses" on the latrine - the colonoscopy is cancelled. THIS HAPPENED 5 SEPARATE TIMES TO ME IN THE FOLLOWING DAYS!!
While this "Input-Output" occurs, I get some red-dye #3 for a CT Scan......this discovers that I have been bleeding internally for quite a long time from a lacerated and burst spleen and have mass of something upon my stomach (first diagnosis is malignant which is re-evaluated as something else, still unknown) and that there is a large fluid mass between my diaphram and my pleural muscle of my lung which has probably caused the pain for many months. Geezus!...a "diaphram"!, and I don't even own a prostate!
So, back to no food and for Colyte #2 & #3.....followed by "cancelled" endoscopy and colonoscopy.....but more red dye #3 and another CT Scan. Oddly, they didn't do an MRI so must have concluded that my brain had already left by way of the Colyte drainage system installed. By this time, the 16 viles of blood work each day (they preferred needle tracks rather than a 'screw-top') state that my haemoglobin is 25% what it should be and the oxygen intake is 73% when it should be 94%+.....so I get a couple of blood transfusions (Good news here!...I finally find out after 60 years what the hell my blood type is!...A-Positive, whatever that means). So, the next morning, I can't breath at all and they suspect a blood clot on my lung and a mobile X-Ray machine comes to my bed (a false alarm and pneumonia becomes their next best guess which also loses its enamour).
After, a bowl of pears...am back on no food intake and Colyte #4 (I suggested that an IV might save on using straws)....followed by "cancelled" endoscopy and colonoscopy...so, they thought that they would try X-Ray #4 thinking that perhaps I had moved. By this time, I am on a first name basis with my over-seer Doctor whom I refer to as "Doctor House". Ian Anderson is Head of Surgery at Foothills with an entourage of Doctors (who's favourite saying is "Yes Sir")....and, of course, his prime understudy, Dr. Paul McBeath, went to school with my daughter Erin (remember Erin?).
The following day is special though!.....the lung specialists stick a 4" needle in my back (I should have told them that a 4" needle might actually be used to darn the front of my hospital garb) and drain off about 2 litres of the fluid between the diaphram and the pleural (Just great!...another 2 pounds lost from my eviscerating body!). Trust me, all fluids removed from the body looks like un-fermented beer.
Finally, the next day of Colyte #5 is HUGE!.....they do the Endoscopy AND the Colonoscopy at the same time....a completely painless and unknown procedure to me when the really, really good drugs in my IV click in!
The next, next day.....they inform me that the colonoscopy camera got 'stuck' at one of the intestinal 'round-a-bouts' (an intestine which got kind of confused during my early childhood....sister Cath may remember this in Chatham where Dr. Lee said that it would straighten itself out over time..it didn't) BUT NOW I'm in for something even better!
And this is where this 'story' began!.......Repair your errant ways heathens! and Don't ever go to prison with big black guys!.....BECAUSE, A Barium Enema will make your farts swim for dear life! You couldn't even find a dildo on eBay as big! After 25+ X-Rays....the Specialist told me that I "done real good" and that he can guarantee me that I don't have colon cancer!
I thanked him profusely for the good news and reminded him that I wasn't in there for colon cancer but for a busted spleen.
They sent me home the next day.....with nothing accomplished (you know?...something like?....take my damn spleen out will ya and stop the bleeding?).
Anyways, I'm due back in March for more CT Scans to see if I'm still alive, moulting or dead with a forwarding address.
For the golfers in the crowd = maybe playing or maybe not this year; although I do want to play in the 50th anniversary of the CSPG for my last time.
Regardless, my admiration of the Health Professionals and how they can even keep a large Hospital running remains at the highest level.
Cheers and gracious thanks of concern and kindness.
Thom Bainbridge
p.s. Hospital Food's 'Rep' is well deserved....on my one evening of being allowed food, I ordered...roast beef, gravy, mashed potatoes, beans....they actually delivered "IT" but forgot the gravy, mashed potatoes, beans part and the single piece of beef had #10b stenciled on the bottom."
WINKLER, NO VOTES PLEASE!...only memories of a grand time.

x.30.x - 2010/03/29
Overstepped my bounds with a true story, no regrets. My apologies. Anybody want to hear about my DUI now? Cheers

x.30.x - 2010/03/29
Conspiracy Theorist... #1..ask for health 'referral' first. #2..shoot the Doctor. "Agent Orange" also works. Maps supplied at the corner of Pleasant and Waterloo? Grande Prairie huh? That makes some sense now!

Wanderer - 2010/03/29
Who's Maggie, Nelson, and why does she score 500G?
Re: "Get a room:" Nelson, just because people like to talk with each other occasionally, DOESN'T mean they want to boink each other, or that they EVER WILL, okay?? There are NO grounds whatsoever for that remark. After all, Thom talks to YOU, too, doesn't he?? In the words of great-aunt Vicky, "We are not amused."

juror#13 - 2010/03/29
... best short story yet, CT. : )

juror#13 - 2010/03/29
sounds vaguely familiar though....?

Wanderer - 2010/03/29
Oh, hey, Nelson, please, let me save you the trouble of posting this yourself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcWBlvbYwH8
You're welcome.

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/04/01
http://www.laphamsquarterly.org/voices-in-time/kurt-vonnegut-at-the-blackboard.php?page=1

Wanderer - 2010/04/01
Startlingly sweet, Nelson. "Good news" and "bad news" have no meaning except within the context of a real purpose, an aim that is our own, not one foisted upon us. But, nevertheless, you might want to take note of how everything screeched to a stop here, when I took the liberty of suggesting that all YOU want is to forget the whole lot of us...

CUTTHROAT - 2010/04/02
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bUexXdKThQ

x.30.x - 2010/04/18
More letters to the Dawson Creek Newspaper from the "Peep-Bomber" this week...Eshleman concocting a "Trilogy"???...soon to be released as a Movie "The Adventures of Todd and Weibo".

conspiracy theorist - 2010/04/18
...well, the computerized typewritten version does do away with those troublesome handwriting comparisons...i'd call it the "Revenge of the Copycats"...the real bomber lost heart months ago...

x.30.x - 2010/04/19
..probably got confused watching the curling this past weekend in Dawson at the "Encana Center". Besides, Eshleman is doing a "Full Nelson" trying to get votes out for a music contest!

x.30.x - 2010/04/20
"Voting Works!!"
The "Full Nelson" has taken Marija into 6th place...."Carry on, Carry on...he will never leave".
Wanderer, thunk I discovered Eshleman's wannabe next topic, after the Trilogy. Cheers

Wanderer - 2010/04/21
No. Cutthroat is right. This page has served its purpose. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, this whole deathmatch forum has served its purpose. Bye, now.