There Are Two 'i's in Wii
by Natalie Pendergast

Isn't he Fantastic
by Chris Illuminati

"I fucked your mother."

It's what a lot of people say as a mean joke. So it's got a funny ring to it, even when it happens for real. When we were fucking last night, I had to try hard to keep from laughing. I don't know if the pain in my stomach was from holding in my laughter, or from cumming for the fourth time in one day.

Probably if I told Bill right now that I fucked his mom last night he would start punching me in the eye for putting such a picture in his mind. He wouldn't think it really happened though. If he knew it really happened, he wouldn't get mad. He would start to cry. It's because his parents are married and he would be sad to think they might get a divorce over this.

"Hi Bill." No one thinks it's weird that he's only fourteen and already his name is Bill. I used to think it was weird, but now I don't care.

"Hey."

"What are you doing after school?"

"I don't know. I'll probably play Zelda and then I'm going to mow the Duplessis' lawn." He's always mowing people's lawns for like twenty bucks. I work at Tim Horton's on Guy. I don't know why he doesn't get a real job.

He sucks his cigarette. "What did you do last night?"

But I don't think I'll tell him because his mom might go to jail for statutory rape since I'm fifteen and she's like forty-five. But it wasn't rape. I wanted to fuck her and it was me who did the fucking. She just laid there on her back. It's weird how you never hear of women raping men. It's because you can't rape a man. He needs to have a boner in order for a woman to fuck him, otherwise it's physically impossible. And no man who is old enough to have a boner would ever say no to a woman who is willing to have sex with him. Besides, it's always the woman who gets fucked and the man who does the fucking.

"Nothing. Just my homework."

I guess the only way a woman could fuck a man is if she tied him down on his stomach and strapped on a rubber dick an...

Read more.

"Have you seen my cell phone charger?" I screamed over the industrial strength hair dryer. "The battery is almost dead."

"The phone isn't the only thing I'd like to see die," she yelled.

"It was on the kitchen table last night," I continued, ignoring her eleventh wish of premature death this week. (P.S. - It's only Tuesday.)

No response. It didn't hurt to ask.

My cell phone charger has vanished. Much like my favorite shirt, important work documents and even my showerhead. I can only hope the charger met a much kinder fate than my favorite Burberry tie that was jammed down the garbage disposal or my laptop that died of an overdose of sugar to the disc drive. The guys at the Apple store had a good laugh at my expense.

When we started dating almost five years ago she had no problem with my way of life. I was 'semi-retired' when we met but she knew I was planning to go back to work. There are two types of people in my field; those who have no choice but to follow the path into this line of work and those who are born with a gift for it.

I was chosen. Destined. Then I just stopped. Not by choice.Quitting the life cold turkey was not easy. You still get the feeling. An itch that is never scratched. You miss it. I've known guys who walked away, claiming it was forever, only to return after a few

months. It's usually something strange that pulls you back into the game. An idea or motivation, perhaps even a chance encounter or opportunity.

Eventually you can't ignore the urge.

I made promises I couldn't keep. The secret calls. Hours down the basement. The locked drawers. The unexplainable past. The casual mentions of going back to work. I let her know some things but not everything. The rest she pieced together from snooping and research. It all led to a huge blowout. We fought. Words were exchanges. It ended. Badly. Threats were made. She promised to tell everyone my dirty little secre...

Read more.

Final Vote: 56%

Final Vote: 44%

Reader Comments:

CH3FF - 2010/02/23
best poem i ever read

Shecky "Red Pen" Radovovich - 2009/12/22
I like how the story begins with an outrageous line of dialogue to offend people - because we see so very little in the way of shock value these days. I mean, it's not that I mind it so much - it's just tapping a nerve that successively loses it's ability to really give a shit how fucking "out there" you are. Literary bukake - how passe!

Litereary Reference - 2009/12/16
Wow, thank god it ended when it did. I could not possibly take the idiot ramblings of an imagined 15 year-old boy any longer. Every time the character enters "that's the way things are" mode my insides get a little less warm and lively. I might be persuaded to believe all this crap is in the interest of character authenticity rather than personal belief, but why would I want to read about that character anyway? Soap opera plot with all the appeal and slightly illicit thrills. Did like the bit about a lesbian who sees herself as a gay man. Quite amusing. Also the circle of coming was good. If there had been more parts that were that much fun I would have liked this story much, much better.

aliengruvgod - 2009/12/10
Frank, I suppose you are entitled to your opinion. But your opinion is prudish, naiive codswallop. Can you really know so little about art? Do you also disapprove of the work of Roth? Or Fowles? Or Vonnegut? They've all used language much worse than this.

Julie - 2009/11/20
Hey Natalie I think you and I would get along very well. I like your kind of writing because it's edgy and in your face. The comment below is accurate in the fact that she mentions you can't please everyone. To that I say who cares? Those who aren't pleased by my writing are likely not my target audience anyway. Good job. You caught my interest immediately. The fact is the speaker isn't you, it's a 15 year old boy and it sounds like a 15 year old boy.

Frank - 2009/10/17
Dear natalie I think the story could have been ok with the proper words not the terrible ones you used; Listen please? If you pleased some of the folks ,and it looks like you have, Just keep in mind , there are many out in the world who can write this kind of rubbish, and have a handful to aplaud you. The truth is that the publishers who can make or break you with a story, won't give that story a second of their time . Keep writing because i think you can do a much better job with a better choice of words. good luck Natalie.

aliengruvgod - 2009/08/27
Good story. I'd be proud to have written it. The voice is hilarious and wonderfully terse. The characters real. My only criticism is that they might be too smart for 15. I bet 7newspapers is a hardcore Dostoyevsky fan.

anonymous - 2009/07/23
Natalie, The story is hilarious, life is hilarious and sad and gross. Anyone who cant admit that is living an illusion. You're a great writer, with a specific, unapologetic voice, and it's great

STP - London, England - 2009/07/14
Dear Natalie, I am glad to see your writing cause such a debate...that is what creativity should do. So many books are read and set down without a second thought. Yes it is a sensitive issue you are writing about and perhaps some will find it shocking that it is a woman writing these words instead of a man but that is not to say that this story should not be told. We see lots of shocking things everyday on our televisions and in newspapers. The world will continue to shock. Best of luck with the writing. STP

Zippy - 2009/03/24
God almighty. What a travesty! I might have thought about going in for a competition like this till I saw this junk had won...

scdillon - 2009/03/19
the fact that this story won has put me in a state depression the force of which i cannot explain.

Michelle - 2009/03/16
Way to go Nat!! It has been a long month of voting and smack-talkin, but it has all paid off! Now I'm just awaiting Broken Pencil to post that photo of you :)

michael kennedy - 2009/03/16
Congratulations on winning Natalie! I'm sure you have already thanked your bro James, because he has pretty much mobilized all of Dalhousie to vote for you, haha.

mb - 2009/03/16
congratulations on winning by by using bad words and sensationalism instead of talent. next time let me suggest something that might be new up in canada - it's called proofreading. chris should have won and i'm pretty sure the voting percentages were rigged to keep it close so that you keep coming back to vote and give these shysters more hits. but in the end, (surprise!) the fellow canuck took the title with her pedophile story. fuck you broken pencil you will not get one more hit from me.

John Pendergast - 2009/03/16
Congratulations on winning the "Deathmatch". This was a very interesting story, something in line with the characters in "SuperBad".

norah - 2009/03/15
warm up the buzz, warm up the buzz, warm up the buzz

Anonymous - 2009/03/15
the immortal natalie!!!!!!!!1 whatchagonna do brother! i may be bankrupt, linda may have taken all my money, but hey i know i can pass the torch to Natalie Pendergast she fights for what's right! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGuhZvO1DKg

Anonymous - 2009/03/14
...you're a writer, Nat...there, i said it...a very bad writer...of schlocky fiction...but you're young...it's a promising start...you do have an organization...and if you keep it up, you will get better ; )

Natalie Pendergast - 2009/03/14
I have been commenting too but sometimes under an alias (not "anonymous"). It is somewhat hilarious to me that 7newspapers refers to me as a beauty queen. Don't know what that's about. Bottom line is that I really love writing and my friends and family know that. The fact that they, and maybe people I don't even know continue to vote for me is really touching. I've never called myself a "writer" only because I am not the kind of person who wraps up her whole identity in labels. (But if somebody else called me a "writer" I wouldn't object). You are right Chris. Getting selected as the top eight finalists by the editors was the initial win for all of us. After that it's just a vote-a-thon and comment war to see who has the thickest skin. I think it's been really fun so far. But there are still two days left... ANYTHING can happen! xoxo

bobbs - 2009/03/14
I feel for Chris . (Before I go on, for those that dont know he is being accused of assaulting a female BP subscriber/ hampster fan after a show. There is video tape of the incident all over the internet. First of all if you watch the video you will notice that the female fan forced herself on him. If I was a celebrity I would be pissed if somebody walked up to me and just took a pic with me without my consent. Especially putting his/her arm on me. He had 30 people trying to talk to him all at once. If you listen closely you will hear this lady repeating and repeating "Can I take a picture with you." Be patient and he will get to you. Also Natalie will rap her way into our hearts like Snoop

Anonymous - 2009/03/13
...meanwhile that beauty queen pendergast sits back like the queen of sheba and says dick all...illuminati is not much better...this should be called the Dud match...it's like they're trying not to offend each other...this is the last days of the last round, bitches, time to pull out the stops...there's nobody left to vote you off the island...you're trying so hard not to piss anyone off, you've pissed everyone off...or drove them off, from the look of this comment box there's only about 5 readers left...even natalie's fans are duds, no one's taken her up on her dare offer...

ss - 2009/03/12
You do have a good sense of humour anonymous, I will give you that, however your rants are just too exhausting towarrant a response. Good night and Sweet dreams.

Anonymous - 2009/03/12
...thanks for that thought-provoking comment SS...you shouldn't have gone to all the trouble...it truly adds to a discussion of the stories here...did it take all day for you to think of it yourself, or would you prefer to give credit to that massive intellect "D," known universally for the depth of her reason and comprehension...its looking clearer that Natalie's spacebook friends are just as goofy as her story...can see where she gets her fodder...

ss - 2009/03/12
ditto D

Chief Dan George - 2009/03/12
They begged once for 7newspapers return...nobody will notice when you leave D...it's been a slice kids...

Anonymous - 2009/03/12
...hey, i prefer "special"...and come back when you have something relevant to say ; )

D. - 2009/03/12
7newspapers/Anonymous: it doesn't matter how much you write on this comment board, nobody cares what you have to say. You are one person. One extremely weird person. The more you try to get people to listen to you, the more they think you are an idiot. Go ahead, retaliate to this comment. We all know you will keep writing just to see your own comments in print. I hope you are enjoying it because it doesn't sound like it happens too often.

7newspapers - 2009/03/12
…Natalie startles us with that first line, like a bird shooting out of long grass…a speeding eighteen wheeler it seems, on a journey from the heartland, bearing burdens of canola, sheets of plywood and toys for the children…but what follows shoots forward like a giant irrepressible gob…it’s a deliberate agony, as satisfying as bursting a pimple…words fly by like drab scenery on a road trip to Merryland…like a cold front sweeping over from some place called Winnipeg…I feel like I’m stuck waste deep in a profanity recycling dump…I mean there’s promise, but it’s like a picture for a wallet I can’t seem to stop losing…the story runs like a trail of crumbs through a labyrinth…Nat gives us sex…why not nickel nipple, turgid currency…she shows us pussy…but not the tiny hairs sprouting through a pallid expanse, each miniature crevice dotted by some meticulous pointillist…we see something and think we can’t really be seeing what we’re seeing…like driving by a row of schoolgirls, legs jutting like toothpicks from under plaid skirts…you don’t want to look…it’s a house with no one there, and no one there, and later, no one there…like getting hit by a baseball bat, the sounds of a big rock dropping into water…is this the archeological anamoly we wish to leave hanging in the dark amber of the underworld to preserve long after its time…we wants hospitals, detox centres, retards and maniacs and addicts tied down for their own good…you give us prom night, with a limo, pink corsage and a jug of tequila procured courtesy someone’s brother…it’s so high school…this is less than a storage bank for obsolete memories…not even a picture in an old man’s album, fading, pointless…This is it? Hellenes asks. What is this?…words are real, email is real, our computer here is nothing more than a big fucking glowing dildo…like a bad pop song nobody bothered recording…a dog hunched over vomiting home fries…every word rotting, bleeding, rubbing against each other in scab inversions…hollow, like hungover men wearing grey beards driving empty streets tossing newspapers on porches…Nat tells her stories. Everybody listens…at its best its like the warm patch you feel where you piss through your jeans…but more claustrophic, like a wakeboard strapped on a car roof or cappuccino in Styrofoam in a parking lot far from home…just talk, and in the end, we know nothing…you’ve bought us a postcard, and I can’t help but feel I’m left standing in the post office with a borrowed pen ; )

Anonymous - 2009/03/11
...do not pass go...do not collect $500...

7newspapers - 2009/03/11
Dear Ms, Pendergast... ...Thank you for sending us the short story "Two 'i's in Wii", we enjoyed the read, but decided to give it a pass this time. It's not in accord with the type of material that we generally publish. That doesn't mean it's not good, only that you should send it out right away to somewhere else. Somewhere far away. We're as liberal as the next right-wing religious cult. Its just that we don't wish to expose our readers to unhappy thoughts, adultery, homosexuality, video games or violence against women. We'd prefer if you hadn't copiously used the word "fuck" and its derivatives. Nor do we approve of the the words "cumming, rape, boner, sex, rubber dick, asshole, lesbian, gay, genitals, tits, pussy, shit, ass, Holy shit and Jesus!" Good luck in getting your story published elsewhere and thank you for thinking of Glimmer Train.

Anonymous - 2009/03/11
...i'll vote for you once, if you print off a copy of your story...wipe your ass with it...and mail it to Pencil Vain Ya...it couldn't stink any worse than it already does...

Natalie Pendergast - 2009/03/11
Thanks guys. I am now prepared to do whatever it takes to win this. I once thought that shameless self-promotion was embarrassing, but now I realize that I will do anything to win. I love writing too much to let this victory slip through my fingers. So as of now, I am taking dares and double dares. Post (and vote) away! xoxo

Cohen - 2009/03/11
I'm on your side Nat. Good luck!

Shuh-zzzam - 2009/03/11
Anonymous, are you still sore about those rejection letters you've been getting? Well I'll tell you something, that expression "you get more flies with honey than with vinegar" is true. Trust me, I've tried it. Good luck with your writing, who ever you are. Now let's talk about Natalie. Great story! Keep writing babe.

ss - 2009/03/11
"blah blah blah" - sound familiar anonymous?

Anonymous - 2009/03/11
...great "ambition"...it succeeds "sometimes"...it is filled with vile language"... it is a story about "something"...not exactly a ringing endorsement CADDamn...if it inspires more "passion," it's because it's so freakin' bad...and whattdya think, Broken Pencil has a team of programmers standing by to enhance the editorial experience of crotchety anal shitbags like you...how much did you pay to read these stories and post this blowhard windbag crap?

e.h. - 2009/03/11
if this story wins i will lose any faith i ever had in the literary merit of an "indie deathmatch."

Katharina - 2009/03/11
Nice story, and I liked the "broken pencil interview" lol Now i'm never gonna play the Wii the way I used to, cause I'll be thinking about your story ;)

Christina - 2009/03/11
Good Luck Natalie ! :D

CADDamn - 2009/03/10
Hey Broken Pencil, for a cultural magazine, this comment system is a travesty. No paragraph structure allowed. Way to provide for unlimited creative potential...

CADDamn - 2009/03/10
What a world. You have my votes for two reasons. Your story has great ambition: It succeeds sometimes in conveying the drooling, fiery need of an adolescent male. It is filled with vile language and expression. It is a story about something that balances well between possible and the fantastic. Your story inspires more discussion and passion than the other one... (one that is more "geek" friendly) Anyhow, keep those expletives flying.

James (the lil' bro) - 2009/03/10
I'm sure everyone can tell from the grotesque colloquialisms and obscene overuse of ellipses that "James (the lil' ho)" is yet another of Anonymous' alter egos. Joy.

James (the lil' ho) - 2009/03/10
...yeah you're right, i won't speak so much out of turn...

Anonymous - 2009/03/10
...did natalie pick on you when you were growing up....i bet you were a pest then too...speaking of pests, whatever happened to nat's boyfriend, did they break up or did she put a leash on him after that first round of dufus comments...

James (the lil' bro) - 2009/03/10
Oh hey Anonymous. I'm so glad you got to be the one to call me illiterate. "Anonymous - 2009/03/10 ...PEI's discovers it's new "Anne of Obscene Fables"..." LOVE your usage of a contraction. Bitchin'.

Anonymous - 2009/03/10
fyi ss, pyt, jc, doa, sos, lol, rsvp ps bruv wtf stfu

ss - 2009/03/10
wwjd

bruv - 2009/03/10
jesus would say that all you canadians are boner biting bastard uncle fuckers.

Anonymous - 2009/03/10
...and what would jesus say about this story?

ss - 2009/03/10
Anonymous, congratulations on cleaning up your act! Perhaps you can be an inspiration to terry as his comments about a Catholic high school are sinful.

Anonymous - 2009/03/10
...PEI's discovers it's new "Anne of Obscene Fables"...

Anonymous - 2009/03/10
...yeah put PEI on the map...famous for spuds, bright red mud...and now seedy pervs who write shameless pulp about motherfucking...even PEI deserves better...

Anonymous - 2009/03/10
...c'mon SS, if you were half as critical towards literature as you were to other posters, you'd be voting for Chris and not old Mrs. "Do you want me to kiss your dick a little." I've given up profanity on your account, and if i did leave a choice "remark" here or there, it was only in the spirit of this motherfucking story...i limp back to my evil lair now to lapse into a brooding silence...but like Abbadon's plan for a corner office and world domination, the dream will never die...although there may be a series of interminable setbacks ;p

wendy - 2009/03/09
Nat, i hope this is not a repeat of a msg i just sent through. You are an excellent writer! I am really looking forward to reading more work from you. Your talent is obvious!

Anonymous - 2009/03/09
Hey Nat! You are an awesome writer girl!!! Keeping the island on the map:) Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Barrack Obama - 2009/03/09
...dare to dream...yes i can...maybe not professionally...but in my spare time, as a hobby...

ss - 2009/03/09
7, is your first story entitled "Dreamer"?

7newspapers - 2009/03/09
...i've been called a lot of things...but never the ultimate unthemed meanie of pity pick nebraska...i'll suffer your slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...you'll read my stories one day...i got ten out there on-line, go find'em...this contest inspired me, i fired a few more out last week, damn good stories, in the way they only are just after the ink has dried and before the first batch of rejection letters has settled in...all i ever wanted out of writing was to...oh, forget it ; )

Maryline - 2009/03/09
Nat, I just read your story again and I definitely love it. Anonymous and 7newspaper, I would love to read one of your stories because you must, at least, have as much talent as, I don't know, Shakespeare or Zola to judge not only the writers but also the readers of this contest so hardly...

Anonymous - 2009/03/09
...hey due respect, think think...i see natalie got all the brains in the family...a story that appeals to a small number of people and not the majority...is called a failure...i won't pay $20 to get in this beauty competition, only to get voted down by somebody's illiterate little brother and his friends...

Anonymous - 2009/03/09
Love pedergast's bio above: "She is a deep-feeling, vibe-getting type of person with lots of sensitivity... her reactions to life's experiences are subtle and emotional"...wow, that really comes out in your story...subtle and sensitive beyond belief ; )

James (the lil bro) - 2009/03/09
7 and Anonymous: With all do respect, I don't see your stories in the final. Clearly Natalie has gotten through two rounds with ease. Could it be that a story can greatly appeal to a small number of people than be just generally appealing to the majority? I think so, I think think it's made apparent by Natalie's success.

Anonymous - 2009/03/09
...junior high must have let out in the east, Prendygast's freaks from multipersonality hell have been unleashed...or are all these (c)rappy comments the ripe produce of natalie's id, alter ego, and Broken Pencil editors during recess...

Terry - 2009/03/09
There’s a school around here called arch bishop Pendergast (prendy) for short. It on a hill, it’s locally known as the Whore house on the Hill

7newspapers - 2009/03/09
...does this recurring theme of the high school gym class "pity pick" resonate so strongly in the female psyche, or just with the Broken Pencil editors who selected these stories...

Anonymous - 2009/03/09
...i'm sorry i hate your story...i can't help but think that perhaps if we'd just met under different circumstances..you could have passed by in the street and simply ignored me ;)

Natalie Pendergast - 2009/03/09
7newspapers makes his/her/its appearance! (Lock up your daughters.) I would think that something shocking and titillating would be right up your alley, what with the types of remarks you've been leaving.

7newspapers - 2009/03/09
...its a refreshing first paragraph intended to shock and titillate...maybe not written incredibly well...but it gets the readers attention...after that it goes downhill...i've read your story over again and it's just incredibly bad...like a grotesque soap opera, it goes on and on, crammed with uninteresting, ill-formed adolescent philosophies and sopping in nauseating melodrama...you can't end on the first ending, it's no ending at all and the alternative ending is almost worse...only prize this story should take is for worst sex scene ever...

Natalie Pendergast - 2009/03/09
Thanks Kate, James and Jebbica!

James (the lil' bro) - 2009/03/09
Here we go, Finals baby! Let's show them what a small town (that's an understatement) girl from Prince Edward Island can do!

katemyron - 2009/03/09
Go Nat!

Reader Comments:

McKinley M. Hellenes - 2009/03/15
It's zero hour now, and I think I can muster up the energy for one last irrelevant comment. Anonymous (I think it's safe to call you my old pal 7newspapers) thanks for saying the thing about me having the best story. That's sweet, and actually your opinion means more to me than the rest of the commenters put together. Montreal, thanks for coming right out and saying you liked my story least. That is a good ego deflator. We self-agrandizing writers (and yes, I do "label" myself as such--this is my day job, after all)need all the ego punching we can get. And I love Sheila Heti too. Just thought I would hop on that side of the fence. Natalie, you are right: being chosen as one of the top 8 is all the confirmation we need. Public opinion and editorial opinion are two different things. Anyways. It's been fun. Sprt of. A strange kind of fun. Thanks for everyone voting. I'm tired now and I want to go to bed. G'night all.

brother - 2009/03/15
broken pencil interns are now an endangered species in a recent article in Canadian Housekeeping

Anonymous - 2009/03/14
...you get about as much thanks around here as a broken pencil intern ; )

7newspapers - 2009/03/14
...actually, i meant sherlock holmes...but since we're on the subject...i do freakishly admire the other sh's writing...a canadian short story author...this is a canadian short story contest...as with my hal heckling, it seems fair comment...i don't mean to scare you or anyone else...it's just a wave hello...getting a feel of the eastern pulse...my way of accidentally injecting a bit of humour into this funny little freak show...i mean, i admire karen connelly and margaret atwood too...just not enough to camp on their doorstep...there's room here for differing tastes...it's just that yours is bad...c'mon, it's a death match...throw away your tie...loosen that top button...you're cutting off the circulation...it's a convenient forum...they want comments here...it wouldn't be much fun without them...read a few stories...offer a little unconstructive criticism...all a writer can do is open the door...and see who walks in...my bet is, chris and natalie don't get trampled in the crush...sorry if i wasn't properly dressed for it...i suppose i should have put on some underwear...hopefully i haven't been too big a nuisance...i've said what i came to say...tell you what, starting right now, i'm off your case...if i should ever merit your curiousity or criticism, stop by and i'll treat you to that coffee...my door is always open...as this contest comes to a close, i'll resume my quiet, unassuming life...far, far from the big smoke...churning out dark stories...here in my mother's basement ; )

Montreal - 2009/03/14
Anonymous: Funny - I actually loved all the stories except Hellenes' and Phillips'. I didn't dislike theirs, I just liked them a lot less than the others. I guess that's just because you and I have different tastes. And nobody cares what Sheila Heti would do. Why don't you go worship her on some other site? I mean she's good and everything, but why the incessant plugging? And now I just did it again. Why don't you send her some fan mail? Maybe then she'll let ya slip her a hot beef injection. Good night you scary scary freak.

7newspapers - 2009/03/14
...and wwshd?

Anonymous - 2009/03/14
...looks like it's illuminati getting his bell rung here...i beg to differ, montreal... 'Kinley Hellenes had the best story...but since she can't be here, i'm forced to run riot and exact revenge in any way i can...it's not so bad seeing the americans get there asses kicked in something every now and then...but the thought of that facebook queen natalie pendergast taking it all...ooooh...it gives me the creeps...c'mon chris, get blogging...and what's the link to that hamster site ; )

earl hebner - 2009/03/14
not since the montreal screw job in 1997 have i seen such patriotism, effort and controversy. however this is just the beginning. someone is calling "RING THE BELL" i feel like i'm at the molson centre or bell centre or whatever.

Chris Illuminati - 2009/03/14
Montreal. Thank you so much. Glad you like the story and my wise ass comments. Natalie, you are correct, I too am 'just happy to be here.' Since there is no way to contact each other after, if you should win, congrats and best of luck with writing. And thanks to everyone who voted for me, my friends, family, strangers, and the editors of Broken Pencil who allowed me to bribe them with a weak American dollar in order to make it this far.

Montreal - 2009/03/14
These are the two best stories of the competition. They both deserve to be in the final match-up. Good luck to each. Chris, hang in there buddy, your comments have made me laugh out loud - especially that Tugboat one. Keep it up.

Chris Illuminati - 2009/03/13
Hey, I did say something and was told 'it was too funny, couldn't be him' Well it was me, and why be a prick now? Honestly, Natalie probably feels the way I do by now. It's about time to wrap this up. I was lucky enough to be in the final matchup of Round 1. This has only been going on for a month for me. That poor girl has been trying to drum up support for almost two months. Only so many times you can ask people to vote for your story. This has been a death sentence, not so much a match. Lasts a long time.

Anonymous - 2009/03/13
nice girls really do finish last...i mean, j, look at the "winners"...fais dodo...

Grosman - 2009/03/13
Hey anonymous honey, just to say still here and I`m still voting. If you still wanted us posting you should`ve voted the other way. bisous. j. ps. Yay superheroes!

Anonymous - 2009/03/13
...tjia, hellenes, mackenzie, grosman, the lovely phillips and especially gandell...not a peep...they're all duds...it's like, we lost...it was a gruelling week, we're exhausted...we're out of here...wasted too much time...nothing to do with us anymore...you gonna let this aimless mutherfuck story win...are you gonna hand victory to miss congeniality?

Carton of Oasis Orange Juice, That's Right, The Cheap Kind - 2009/03/13
Anonymous, wanna bone? You sound hot.

Anonymous - 2009/03/12
...i would say sore loser...but that can't be the real chris, the remark was too funny...better to be eccentric than insipid...my supporters will soon jump to my defence, they're just tied up right now...does it bug your wife when you write crybaby stories about your losing your old girlfriend?

Chris Illuminati - 2009/03/12
7newspapers, so when the Deathmatch is done, are you going back to commenting on the NAMBLA website, or will you just keep talking to the rest of the people that sleep near you at the bus station?

7 newspapers - 2009/03/12
"I was chosen. Destined. Then I just stopped. Not by choice. Quitting the life cold turkey was not easy. You still get the feeling. An itch that is never scratched. You miss it." You gotta like tight prose...it's a filter, separating each effect into separate parts...men like that...it's Illuminati imitating Niedzievicki imitating Hemingway...blood spattered over a shiny scalpel...Chris' writing is a truth that beats like a heart, without waiting for permission...what's true isn't the truth, it's who we are, it's what makes us think we can be what we're not...his words like white flakes flutter out of the bottom of a coal night, snow driven to land by a pushing lake wind...his story a wide house extending beyond boundaries, transgressing white wooden fences, breaking all the rules...Chris spills laughter everywhere, wet rain, nothing for something...but don't shoot me, i'm just the messenger, witness, co-pilot, accomplice, intern, sacrefice, the cipher...

HTG - 2009/03/12
only one vote per household; bummer

Anonymous - 2009/03/12
D - you seem to be missing one very important aspect of this contest. the winner will be whoever has more friends voting. Not necessarily the 'better' story, by any stretch of the imagination.

Sal - 2009/03/11
Win it for the fried TIMBA! Great story man.

HTG - 2009/03/11
Bones and I can't vote at the same time; even though we have own email accounts, and computers. Just so you know we have our vote.

D. - 2009/03/11
Anonymous: "better" is subjective. If everyone's opinion is subjective and if all that counts is the majority vote, than I guess the story that the majority likes better will finish on top. In my opinion, that story is Natalie's. And I'm not even on facebook.

Anonymous - 2009/03/11
...you're talking about bringing the empirical back into the lyrical and you wonder why your point gets missed...that's the height of semantics...Nat wouldn't even have a story without the f word...you can read as deep as you want, there's nothing else there...you say the world is not made up of words, but then say its made of feelings, what kind of gobbledygook doublespeak is that, it makes just as little sense...Chris' story is funnier, it's more honest, cleverer, better written, likely has a good back story for those in the know...it's just a better all round story. Vote for your facebook friend if you want, or you can be honest and fair and vote for the guy with the better story.

Beej the Pink Sheep - 2009/03/11
"Natalie's potty mouth is off putting." 100% agree. Chris should take the finals.

D. - 2009/03/11
I know you can read the words Ethanator, but can you understand them, that is the question. You missed my point entirely. The words are the skin on the thought not the thought itself. They are merely a shell that transports meaning. The story goes much deeper than the F word. Had Pendergast never used the F word, her story would still win. It's just too bad that you can't get that.

Ethanator1088 - 2009/03/11
Let me put this another way "D". Anyone could win a writing contest, if every voter thought the use of the "f word" every other sentence was "bringing the empirical back into the lyrical."

D. - 2009/03/11
Ethanator1088: you can't see past the "bad language" to the real story. This means you do not know how to read. You are blinded by the F word. This tells me you are probably someone who also found Eddie Murphy's "Delirious" off-putting. You need to learn to read deeper and not be so snooty. The world is not made of words - no matter if they are good ones or bad ones. The world is made of feelings and Natalie's story stimulates mine. Natalie's wins for bringing the empirical back into the lyrical.

Ethanator1088 - 2009/03/11
I am most likely going to get blasted for that comment, so I might as well back it up first. I think the over use of bad language is an admission that you do not know how to write. This is a writing contest, so she loses.

Ethanator1088 - 2009/03/11
Chris has this one by a mile. Natalie's potty mouth is off putting.

Pencil Vain Ya - 2009/03/11
Suck my dick Anonymous. Pendergast and her story are beautiful. Vengence and jealousy are two thick cloaks which are hanging in obstruction of your objective vision. Or maybe you just feel inferior in all aspects of life. I would too if I had that gizmo you call a penis hanging from my groin.

Johnny - 2009/03/10
"Dr. Horrible and the Sing-along-Blog" anyone? Super original......

Anonymous - 2009/03/10
...you forgot the last line....Vietnam, Bay of Pigs ; )

Ode to Fantastic Pete - 2009/03/10
twin towers, waterboarding, pearl harbour, iranian hostage crisis, kisses from pakistan, osama bin laden, north korea, venezuela, bastion of capitalistic corporate bail-outs, right to bear armless babies

Shaun - 2009/03/10
Good luck. Looks like you're going far

kirsten m. - 2009/03/10
love your story, chris

Juliann - 2009/03/09
Here's to "making it up to you."

Sinking Ship - 2009/03/09
...i hope fantastic pete gets here quickly...the water's nearly up to my calves...

7 newspapers - 2009/03/09
...i wonder if you still think a juggernaut is a glandular disorder ; )

Anonymous - 2009/03/09
...hey, don't pull the mask off the old lone ranger...like a superhero, sometimes the work we do here behind the scenes is beyond the scope of human understanding...i've always maintained you have a well-crafted story...now if you only had a retard, a dead bird and 517 facebook friends, you'd have a winner ; )

Chris Illuminati - 2009/03/09
Anonymous, are you the same from last week? Seemed you weren't fond of my story before, or maybe I just read your comments wrong.

Anonymous - 2009/03/09
...don't know how they are going to find your story tucked up in the corner here...seems there's been a formatting change on the web page here that gives pendergast the advantage...she'll need it with that story...

Chris Illuminati - 2009/03/09
I think i've reached a professional high, I just got a comment from Tugboat.

Typhoon - 2009/03/09
Criminals usually aren't the brightest bulbs. If they were they would be a little more successful at their chosen career." this is anti-criminal therefore I vote for the Wii Girl. you know on youtube there is a celebrity who plays wii her name is molly i think she's from ottawa but is british or a spy. anyway she plays wii a lot. and she does the voices like wii talks to her and urges her to play her. also "Burberry tie that was jammed" is this from a Tim Horton's napkin or rim? Job? I think its time Chris taps out to N to the P. Word Life

Tugboat - 2009/03/09
Natalie Pendergast has put Chris Illuminum siding in the danger zone ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Anonymous - 2009/03/09
...actually stuck around five more minutes until 10:07 pm mountain standard time last night to get one more vote in before going out...i can't help but feel responsible that this final act of treachery might have dealt jessica the fatal blow...

Chris Illuminati - 2009/03/09
Thanks 7. Appreciate that. And you too Beej.

Beej the Pink Sheep - 2009/03/09
Literally be best piece of literary genius ever written in the history of the world! EVER!

7newspapers - 2009/03/09
...i was just screwing with your head, i voted for you all the last day...it's a good enough story, it deserves to win...

Chris Illuminati - 2009/03/09
A double Gilbert sighting!

Scott's Tip Of The Day - 2009/03/09
Chris should win

Natalie Gilbert - 2009/03/09
awesome, just awesome

D. - 2009/03/09
Chris, Natalie already used that joke in round one.

Chris Illuminati - 2009/03/09
Woah woah, don't play the little city card with me James. I am from a very small town. And from New Jersey to boot! We aren't even supposed to know how to read.

Jebbica - 2009/03/09
Congratulations, Chris! And congrats to the other finalist, for whom I also voted in the semis. Glad my favorite 2 stories made it--may the best story win!

Chris Illuminati - 2009/03/09
Jessica, Thanks. And I really did enjoy your story.

Jessica Grosman - 2009/03/09
Just wanted to congratulate you on your one vote victory. Hopefully this round doesn't end in a tie!

Anonymous - 2009/03/09
Go for it Chris -- this is such a better story than that Wii nonsense...