Amsterdam at Midnight
by Graham Parke

Panties
by Greg Kearney

I can't sleep and head out, wondering how long this can go on, wondering if not sleeping night after night after night can cause brain damage, irreversible health effects. Wondering what it's doing to my hair and my eyes and my skin, which is beginning to look old. The night's wet and cold and I'm not wearing enough clothing. I don't want to go back so I walk on, along the canal, to the center of Amsterdam, where there'll still be some life, some pale reflection of society, be it distilled and raw and craving things mostly illegal. I pass a group of teenagers trying to get high on their last crumbs of weed and a suit about to reverse his oversized SUV into one of the tiny spots along the canal. It's starting to come down hard and I hear little over the hiss of the rain on the water. There are thoughts churning away at the back of my mind but they're dull and slow and I can't really make them out. I know I must be the one thinking them but, right now, it doesn't really feel that way. I pull up my collar, keep my eyes on the ground, walk on. When I reach Rembrandt's Square the downpour seems suddenly ineffectual; the rain's no match for the colored light streaming from the pubs and the arcade, the drum-n-bass emanating from all around cancels out the discomfort. I'm still getting wet, still freezing, but somehow I don't feel it. Sensory overload superimposed on thought deprivation. I keep walking.

****

A homeless guy pulls on my jacket and asks me for a cigarette. I don't have one, don't smoke, and I tell him so. He doesn't let go, wants to know about my cash situation, specifically, if I have any change to spare. I tell him I can give him a few euros if he lets go. He says it's a deal. It's a deal if I take my euros and get him some smokes from the machine in the arcade. I give him a look. He asks if I think it's easy getting this spot right in front of the club, right where the wallets are pulled out to spill the big bucks, the paper cash. He glan...

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All my favourite panties, ruined. I pull one pair after another out of the washing machine. They're streaked and spattered with blue dye. They're rags now. Silk uselessness. It must have been Karl. He's hated me from day one. He knows he can really get to me via my panties. If we didn't need the rental income I'd throw all his shit onto the sidewalk.

You can wear mine, Mama says when I bring my ratty panties upstairs. I'm 240lbs, 41" waist. Mama means well but she doesn't really understand. I can't just snake my way into any old pair of panties. I'm meticulous when I cross dress. I have very high panty standards.

Karl will get his. When I'm feeling vengeful there is really nothing I won't do to undo my foe.

I need to call Louise. But Mama is on the phone. Mama has a new beau. A younger man. He's 66, she's 68. She met him at her till at Walmart. He's ex-military. He was over for lunch on Sunday. He asked me what I did for a living. I told him I was a bacteriologist. He asked me if that involved inspecting dirt. I said yes, sort of. He seemed impressed. He has a glass eye. Mama really likes him. She likes commanding, haunted men.

Karl's rusty Fifth Avenue pulls into the driveway. I watch him through the kitchen window. He gets out with groceries. Soon he'll be frying up some pungent, unlikely pig part for supper. The stench will drift and settle in our living room. But that's okay. That's fine. Pig tongue stench is incidental, at this point.

****

Louise is outraged to hear about my panty tragedy. She says it's a hate crime. She gives me five new pairs of panties and throws in a gorgeous Cleopatra wig, on the house.

Louise is my girlfriend of six years. She owns and runs The Closet, a clothing store that serves the transvestite and cross-dressing communities. She, herself, is a big woman - 6'1, 180lbs - so most of her own clothing comes from The Closet.

I love Louise very much. Her long arms, huge han...

Read more.

Final votes: 51%

Final votes: 49%

Reader Comments:

flick harrison - 2009/01/06
I'm just cheekily chiming in to promote my story submission for the second Indie Writer's Deathmatch! It's a science fiction short called "Pangea's Edge" and it will WIN! That being said, Amsterdam at Midnight is not only a great title, it's a great story. I like that it isn't clear whether then ending implies magic realism or fantasy, or that's simply that girl's interpretation of the condition. Coolio.

Amber - 2008/06/03
good story i would like to read more of your writing.

Brenda Tubby - 2008/03/26
One more hurdle!

Bette - 2008/03/21
K.C.: it's not very weird at all that people tend to like different things. What a strange little comment.

Maya - 2008/03/21
Graham, congratulations!!!!

Rob - 2008/03/21
This story is definitely worth publishing. The other one?....NO

Maria - 2008/03/21
Hey Graham, this is an amazing story! I love it. Great job! Continue like this...

K.C. - 2008/03/20
Weird that, how different people tend to like different things? I, for instance, liked this story the most.

Bette - 2008/03/20
This was the only story in the whole deathmatch that I couldn't get through...and it won! Crazy. Maybe I'll try to read it again...but I doubt it.

Iustina - 2008/03/20
Great! proud of you.. :)

Graham Parke - 2008/03/19
Thanks to all the fans, your commitment was above and beyond

Marmie - 2008/03/19
You did it!!! Good for you! Many bowls of soup and bars of soap are due you.

Moes - 2008/03/19
Well done Graham.That was a tight run at the last but it was worth getting up every hour last night. We need to celebrate this. See you Saturday

Marmie - 2008/03/19
I can't believe that a story titled Panties could win this. I'm disappointed in most of the work from this contest. (in the lack of.... oh the lack of everything decent, humorous, worthy, interesting).These "shocking sex" stories get old and boring very quickly. Best wishes G.

Sarah Gordon - 2008/03/19
Moes - Marmie, Steve and I are still voting as much as we can!

S - 2008/03/19
You are not alone Moes. However, it seems we are just not enough.

Moes - 2008/03/19
It is three o'clock in the morning and all around me are asleep.Broken pencil didn't take time zones into account when planning the final run, or did they!

Graham Parke - 2008/03/19
I agree with True Fan. With this little story Greg has proven, not only that he can write, but also how easy it is for him to come up with an entirely new genre. No small feat, for any author! I would like to take this opportunity to try and categorize this new genre for him. I’d say, it’s the literary equivalent of watching water boil.

Sofija Milicev - 2008/03/19
I really enjoyed reading the story, it is the best I have ever read. Neighbour from Serbia

Graham Parke - 2008/03/19
Man, Greg, it seems I really pissed you off when I said I didn't like your vomit idea. Don't worry, I still like the first half of your story and I'm still going to check out your novel.

BigD - 2008/03/18
follow the .... red rose...

Sonny - 2008/03/18
HOw about a whole themed shorts collection?

A.N. - 2008/03/18
Any sequals to this story? I'd love to see what would happen next, or maybe a flashback to how other members of the club joined? Get crackin'

BigD - 2008/03/18
the rose thing is very palahnuik

Olja - 2008/03/18
I really enjoyed reading your story. Well done.

Graham Parke - 2008/03/18
Hmmm.. not very useful, nor witty. Now you just sound angry. Better catch some Zzzs.... :)

Graham Parke - 2008/03/18
I do believe that's kind-of the point Greg. Please do critique. But do it well and then go to bed, ^%$&^%, this here's my time zone....

Graham Parke - 2008/03/17
Vomit as lubricant, really? Hmm... I'd much prefer you stick to things that are actually funny instead of just going for the cheap stuff. Like your fridge comment for instance, that's the kind of writing we need more of.

Graham Parke - 2008/03/17
Assuming the comment below is real; you're not doing either of us any favors here, please keep this round clean!!!!

Broken Pencil - 2008/03/17
Dear 81.71.140.13, you have been banned for vote spamming and your votes have been deleted. Have a nice day.

death match fan extraordinnaire - 2008/03/17
Once an hour? What a relief! If only they had this system in place during previous rounds. Much more sensible.

moes - 2008/03/17
whats happening?? I can't vote once an hour, BP tells me to come back later

Yellow box 2 - 2008/03/17
Nice Arrangement of letters and words

Graham Parke - 2008/03/16
Sarah; let's set that up.

Graham Parke - 2008/03/16
Kudos to Greg for agreeing to the extra days and the extra security! Like him, I was also looking forward for this nerve-racking thing to be over, however, leaving it the way it was would have been kinda sad.

Sarah Gordon - 2008/03/16
You really want to read my work? I will send you a copy if I can get your info. Perhaps we should ask the BP staff for each other's email?

Sarah Gordon - 2008/03/16
I agree with you Marmie. No arguments there. No, Coupland is not too gimmicky in that irreverent- witty- clever way that can be very nauseating. Not all his stuff is good though, some books feel like they were written too quickly. I like Flannery O'Connor's short stories too- also about imperfect salvation.

Marmie - 2008/03/16
Have you read Saramago? (All the Names or Blindness are my favorites)I'm rather tired of young hip authors who have little or no real life experience or what they do have, centers around drugs and sex.Now don't get in my face over that comment kids, I have a few years on you...

Graham Parke - 2008/03/16
Dougy; I can check it out. It’s not too gimmicky is it? Like pages and pages filled with random words in an attempt to look relevant? That kind of thing is such a waste of paper and invariable makes me feel guilty towards the environment for sponsoring. I’ll be checking out Sarah’s and Greg’s stuff first though, because their voices seem really interesting. Any chances of getting signed copies you guys??

Douglas Coupland - 2008/03/16
Ever try reading anything by me? My personal favorite is Hey Nostradamus! It is a great book. I did a really good job on it.

Graham Parke - 2008/03/16
I don’t like to comment on the weather. It’s tricky enough staying sane as it is.

Graham Parke - 2008/03/16
I have a terrible time finding books I like. I start many and finish almost none. I can give you a list but it is in no way a personal endorsement. Right now I've started; armadillo, the safety of objects, fat, rant, end of an era, axiomatic, darkly dreaming dexter, incompetence, edge of light, and bears discover fire.

Marmie - 2008/03/15
G. What are you reading these days? (when you're not clicking) And don't give me any of those smart ass answers.

Moes - 2008/03/15
the weather here in Holland is also pretty grim, but then it always is in March.

Sarah Gordon - 2008/03/14
The weather in Winnipeg sucks, but that is really no surprise...

Emma Healey - 2008/03/14
Yeah, I said "awesome" twice in one paragraph. That's right.

Emma Healey - 2008/03/14
But anyway, that's all boring. Let's talk about important stuff. What's the weather like where you are? I feel like I've cycled through all the seasons in one day. We left Toronto, which is all wintry, and kept driving south, so the snow melted and the grass got greenish and we had about two hours of spring and now it feels like summer. Which is fucking awesome. I think everyone should just stop commenting about the autobot situation and compain or brag about the weather where they are right now. I have no complaints. I have the window open for the first time in six months. It's awesome.

Emma Healey - 2008/03/14
I didn't leave you, Graham! Not specifically, anyway. I left the country! I'm taking advantage of the wireless internet in this hotel (with-an-m) and I'm sad that all this wierd hacking shit is still going on. I really like a lot of things about this contest, and I was hoping that the kind of honour-system feel it had at the beginning (you have to make people ACTUALLY click for you obsessively if you want to win) has disappeared. That sucks for you and for Greg (and, um, for, uh, me, but I'm letting that one go) and for the good folks at bp who just wanted to make a fun contest.

Graham Parke - 2008/03/14
yup :)

Goody - 2008/03/14
Plus, you shouldn't have to "rummage" for goodies should you? That implies they are difficult to find.

Graham Parke - 2008/03/14
Thanks for the updates on the hacks on the votes guys, but I've decided not to worry about it any longer. I got further than I expected and I had a lot of fun along the way. I think it was a brilliant idea of BP to allow lesser known authors (and dudes just typing away in their basements, like myself) to blog with each other and with actual readers. The experience was fun and I was able to pick up comments which I feel allowed me to tweak and revise the story for the better. (Thanks especially to the people pointing out the goodies, you know who you are:)

Ooooooooooooooops - 2008/03/14
He did it again! 0%

BossUK - 2008/03/13
Still think this is the best story by far. Find some other comps. to enter it in, I'm sure you'll win!

Graham Parke - 2008/03/13
Hey Sarah, good to hear from you again. Emma was here a while ago but I think she left. Can't blame her, this round is somewhat boring :)

M.G. Vassanji - 2008/03/13
Dear Marmie, that Greg fellow should wash his mouth out with that chicken soap of yours. It might help his writing.

Sarah Gordon - 2008/03/13
I feel for ya, Moes. This is quite frustrating!

moes - 2008/03/13
All my voting for nothing

Sonny - 2008/03/13
Yeah, i saw it too, i got some strange error message just as i was refreshing, then greg got all the votes.

Moes - 2008/03/13
Hi Sarah, I am also voting for him but it doesn't seem to help. I click 50 times and nothing happened!

Sarah Gordon - 2008/03/13
Hey G - I'm voting! You must win this.. you MUST!

Graham Parke - 2008/03/13
This is getting out of hand. Marmie and I might have to look into patent protection for our ChickenSoap(tm). Watch this space for updates.

Ana - 2008/03/13
This story should be published. It is worth it.

Sonny - 2008/03/12
Crazy comment below. That's like saying stories about people with a job are cliche, we've seen that before, or stories about people falling in love. If you read the story you would know it 's just a backdrop. And, Graham, the rest of your story is fresh and original, it's the kind of story you just can't put down. Well Done!

S - 2008/03/12
Don't give up. You deserve to win.

Marmie - 2008/03/12
Yes G, this is a sad state of affairs. Too much complaining and whining and no real conviction or connection. Maybe I can send each one a piece of chicken soap. Those losers can put it where the sun don't shine. You are welcome to visit us here in Winnipeg any time.

Laura - 2008/03/12
WTF? How is it possible that this story is at 5% and the other is 95%? While I don't particularly like either of them (my favourite story was eliminated in a previous round), I much prefer the underdog and hope he manages to pull a 180 in the last days. Good luck!

Moes - 2008/03/12
Graham, this a far better story. I can hardly even call the other a story.Just a few idea's dropped on "paper". If you don't win it is due to all this auto-bot stuff, what ever that is. So keep up your head.

Graham Parke - 2008/03/11
Marmie: I've thought it over and have decided you're probably right. My first thought was that chicken soap might actually smell better, but, I've done some tests, and good things very clearly failed to happen.

Graham Parke - 2008/03/11
How am I enjoying the finals? I think I was lucky to end up with two smart, sharp-witted opponents before. Blogging against them was more fun than I'd even imagined. I've followed all the rounds closely and have yet to catch Greg blogging anything even remotely worth reading. Missed opportunities. I still love his fridge comment, that was shear genius, and most of the first half of his panty story, but as death matches go, I don't think he cares beyond his votes. Oh yeah, and someone is making Greg look really bad by resetting my votes every 4 hours and that's getting me down a bit too, go figure.

D - 2008/03/11
I think it's interesting how Greg's story is just plowing through every round when no one seems to be really enthusiastic about it. And all this voting fuck-uppedness...I think it's pretty clear that every "winner" or finalist in this competition (Graham included!) has used autoclickers at some point, and it's useless to be upset about it. Oh well.

Steve - 2008/03/11
I think something is seriously amiss with the voting. I click a few times and the percentage jumps right up. Broken Pencil, you really need to run a tighter ship.

Graham Parke - 2008/03/11
Great, my percentage went from 60 to 0 to 99 in under a minute. Tell me that's normal....

Graham Parke - 2008/03/11
Still didn't manage to get your hackers to stop, Greg? That's a real shame :(

K.C. - 2008/03/11
My Fav story so far!!

Sandra - 2008/03/11
Great work. I hope you win.

Graham Parke - 2008/03/10
Saw your votes make some lightening fast jumps there, Greg (did I actually see 200%? I think I did). Thanks for 'calling off' your hackers. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that.

Misty - 2008/03/10
You're hot.

Emma Healey - 2008/03/10
So, Graham, how does it feel to be in the final round? Not that I'm jealous or anything. 'Cause I'm not. Just happy for you. Nothing else. At all.

Marmie - 2008/03/10
Chicken soap really isn't that appealing to me, I think it would leave a fatty residue and have an unpleasant aroma.

Graham Parke - 2008/03/10
How's the chicken soap coming along?

Marmie - 2008/03/10
I'm here for you G.

Graham Parke - 2008/03/10
On the left again. Lost count though, not sure if it's a good thing or not...

Reader Comments:

Nico - 2008/03/21
Greg, don't you think that your spammed votes were deleted at the end?

Dave - 2008/03/20
this guy was whiny through the whole competition. stop whining and go write something worth reading

CMIII - 2008/03/20
Me too. Great Tale! We'll be seeing more of this writer soon I think.

Bette - 2008/03/20
Yes: me too. I liked the goat/unicorn one, the man-breasts one, and this one. I am sad that the most boring story won.

Jessica Faulds - 2008/03/20
For what it's worth, I was behind this story.

Greg Kearney - 2008/03/20
Thanks to the coven who voted all over the city, relentlessly, in the final hours; I'm sorry our lead vanished strangely at 11:59 (which is also a great B-side by Blondie.) Anyway, congrats to Graham. I look forward to his next emo, walking around in Europe story! Mazel Tov to us all.

ProfW - 2008/03/19
Rather than trying hard to sound clever, make us *care* about your characters. Take out the bits where you’re *trying* to be funny and leave in the bits where you actually are. It’s a good effort though, keep practicing.

True Fan - 2008/03/19
Try to keep up with Graham, man! You can do so much more than make funnies about vomit and Ethan Hawk!! Show the skinny dude what you can do!!

OZ - 2008/03/18
Didn't reality bites at least have an ending?

K.C. - 2008/03/18
That's very natural though. I think there's even a psychological term for it. It's called being a bad looser I think?

Ana - 2008/03/18
i think i can translate that last comment: of all eight stories, in only happen to coincidentally dislike the one story i don't effortlessly beat

Greg Kearney - 2008/03/18
I don't perceive everyone in this contest as an amateur by any means; I love almost all of the other pieces. It's really just Graham. I feel like I'm competing against -- and losing to! -- an early 90's journal entry by Ethan Hawke. And that's a bitter, bitter pill.

Carlton Mellick III - 2008/03/18
Thanks for using my ideas to spice up your blog, kahuna

Graham - 2008/03/18
Give the guy a break, Greg has more creative talent in his whole body than I have in the tip of my pinkie.... :)

K.C. - 2008/03/18
Poor Greg, you must be so embarrassed stuck in this competition with all these hopeless amateurs

Sicko - 2008/03/18
Vomit makes excellent erotic lubricant, actually. I could provide websites to prove this, but I don't think I will.

Greg Kearney - 2008/03/18
I've never understood this forum to be a platform for critique. I mean, I could say that I find your work listless, clunky, completely devoid of inspiration and cliched as fuck -- amateur stuff, given, of course, that you are an amateur. But I wouldn't dare say such things.

Greg Kearney - 2008/03/18
Graham, You're the best, but please don't attempt to critique me, or my blog improv, in any circumstance. I wouldn't dare critique you. x

Greg Kearney - 2008/03/17
Could this shit get any more byzantine? Vote spamming -- how does one circumvent such an airtight new set-up? And, anonymous, it's not like I'm signed to fucking Random House. I still shoplift and huff solvents. I still like to write about colostomies and vomit as erotic lubricant.

PT - 2008/03/17
;)

Greg Kearney - 2008/03/17
This new format is much, much better! If only it was this way from the outset. xo

Greg Kearney - 2008/03/16
and I am so, so not into this impending sudden death vote-off thing. i want to go back to being slow-mo and wishy-washy.

Greg Kearney - 2008/03/16
Thx for the tip o' the hat, Graham. Hopefully, now that you know that I'm not a hacker sociopath, we can be a bit chummy.

A.N. - 2008/03/16
Somebody looked smokin' hot at the Eagle last night. xoxoxoxo

Sonny - 2008/03/15
a little late in the game, I doubt they will be able to find all grahams lost vots

Greg Kearney - 2008/03/14
The Broken Pencil kahunas will be intervening before round's end, I've been advised.

Oooooooooooooops - 2008/03/14
I did it again! 100%

Greg Kearney - 2008/03/13
Dear doc, Obviously I don't care about your anonymous derision, but previous rounds, contingent as they were on pure, obsessive mouse clicking, at least maintained a grassroots integrity. This round has been a farce.

dr. obvious? - 2008/03/13
greg, the fact you made it out of the first round against janine was enough to discredit this process. why didn't you say something then?

Greg Kearney - 2008/03/13
This competition, after all the rigging and whimsical numerical shit, officially means squat. I'm beyond disappointed. Here's hoping next year's comp isn't such a debacle. Greg

Donny G. - 2008/03/13
You must be really pissed off. If they didn't keep hacking this site you might have won for real. Now we'll never know. I feel for you dude! You should like totally pull your story out or something...

F Diaz - 2008/03/13
I enjoyed this. I have your first book, but this story is way different than anything in that one. I can't tell if I prefer your new approach or your old one. But will the site keep erasing all your votes because you're in the lead? Doesn't seem fair.

bernie - 2008/03/12
i had some auto-bots in grade seven. my mom asked me if i wasn't getting a bit old for them. i said no. i stick by those words. err, that word. hi5 greg!

kay - 2008/03/12
nice one. you've earned every vote. you've been doing your freaky, lovely thing for a pretty long time.

Greg Kearney - 2008/03/12
Marmie, I'm sad that you want me to stick it where the sun doesn't shine, regardless of the fact that that orifice is already well-versed in that act. As a Kenora boy, I crave your Winnipeg approbation.

OZ - 2008/03/12
Boring story. Boring style.

J - 2008/03/11
What's a ground zero auto-bot Greg and why does it keep resetting the left pane?

Bette - 2008/03/11
Yeah, you get my vote because you complain less. Also, I like your story more!!!

mlb - 2008/03/11
Excellent story, Greg.

Greg Kearney - 2008/03/11
I AM NOT FUCKING HACKING INTO THIS THING! I barely know how to use Microsoft Word. As Graham states below, his "percentage went from 60 to 0 to 99 in under a minute." So the same, random shit is happening to him, too. We're both being fucked over. I am really burnt out on being called a cheater.

Salad - 2008/03/11
Neither of these stories impressed me. But at least this guy doesn't turn into an accusatory suck whenever he's losing.

K.C. - 2008/03/11
o- what do you mean 'both' sides?

K.C. - 2008/03/11
again? if Greg doesn't manage to find a real publisher he can always find a job as a hacker

o - 2008/03/11
this is fucked. someone is whimsically re-setting the votes on both sides. why even bother proceeding? i'm in the uk -- is this standard Can Lit contest procedure?

Suzanne - 2008/03/11
Don't let the smear campaign get you down, GK. Your work is good.

Greg Kearney - 2008/03/11
Given that your tally has leapt forward dramatically more often than mine this round, Graham, I resent the accusation that I'm using an "auto-clicker." I've got a core group of well-wishers, like you. Did you attack Emma the round previous when similar shit happened?

Jade - 2008/03/11
you seem to know a lot about auto-bots Greg. well done

Chet Caple - 2008/03/10
I love your shit. when's your next book coming out?

Juby - 2008/03/10
this story touched me. i've decided to rename my band "Panty Tragedy".

Misty - 2008/03/10
You're hot, too.

Greg - 2008/03/10
Auto-bot, do you maybe want to go out sometime?

the auto-bot - 2008/03/10
don't worry about it greg. your story is a piece of shit no matter what the votes are.

Greg Kearney - 2008/03/10
Whoever did the ground zero auto-bot thing just now -- STOP IT!