Three Dudes, Some Drugs, and a Bear
by Jordan Abel

Gotta Be Another Way
by Nelson Eshleman

By the time the acid took hold, we were halfway to Edmonton. Tommy rode shotgun, a cigarette dangling from his dry lips, and Bear scrunched in the back seat, shifting constantly. Johansson, our first year roommate, had called us on his cell a few hours ago, breathing heavily, saying that he needed to get out, that everything had gone wrong.

"Talk to me, Joe," I had said.

"Stay back, you fuckers! Stay back!"

"What the fuck, Joe? Is this a joke?"

We burned through the prairie night--ours eyes twisted; our skulls hollowed. Tommy flicked his cigarette out the window and lit another one. Tommy and Johansson had been the closest out of all of us, but that wasn't saying much. They had gone to the same high school and were on the same hockey team at one point, but they didn't really hang out until we all lived together. Other than that, none of us had really heard all that much from Johansson for three years.

"One more time," Bear said. "Exactly what did he say?"

"I don't know, Bear. He told someone to stay back and then there was some yelling, some crashing--some craziness ensuing," I said.

Bear chuckled and shook his head. "Fuck me."

Tommy twisted back to look at Bear. "Dudes, I just realized something. Something very important." Tommy had been quiet since we got the phone call, but he sounded mellow now, relaxed.

"It's all going to be okay," Tommy said.

"This is what you realized?" Bear said.

Tommy raised an eyebrow and slowly tapped his nose.

"Where were you an hour ago?" Bear said.

"In another world, my friend. In another world."

We had been out camping when Johansson called us. I was maintaining the fire, strategically balancing the logs so that they formed a pyramid, and Tommy was lounging on the folding chair, a bottle of tequila glued to his hand. We had just been chilling, waiting for Bear to get back from the river with dinner, when my cell...

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It was round about the time Winthorpe Power Corp. posted its $500,000 reward that my public spirit kicked in. I didn't set the blasting caps on the Dyno Nobel Vibrogel that blew up four electrical shacks halting construction for two months on the nuclear plant project at Pettifer Lake. I simply told the police who did it.

While at first blush this might seem a blemish on the vigour of the 800 strong members of the Integrated National Security Enforcement Team, let's give credit where credit is due. The police solved the crime. Circulated the rambling threat letter that was sent to three local newspapers in the week immediately prior to a highly incompetent series of explosions. Then they put up the pictures of nine possible suspects taken by a closed circuit camera in the post office where the letter was mailed.

The media solved the crime. Published the pictures and the letter and then proceeded to interview every man, woman and three-legged moose within forty miles of Pettifer Lake in a rush to get their scoop: "Mad Bomber on the Loose."

This intrigued me. I mean, how big can Pettifer Lake be, right?

And you know what I'm capable of. You've watched me now for five years turn your blogs upside down with stunning dexterity to get to the truth. For fun I've researched all manner of benign questions from standoffish old hens who preach internet safety to pubescent daughters all the while as they leave their own windows open and their pants down around their ankles. "You sick bastard," you're saying. I do you for free, imagine what I'd do for five hundred thousand patchoulies.

I always wanted to use that word. I blog at night under a maze of different aliases from a computer in my mother's basement. By day, I'm an investigator in a bank. I also work for secret service. Theirs, not yours.

Ah! "Crackpot!" you're saying. CSIS wannabe. We rejected him ten years ago, he sent his application in by mail. ...

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Final Votes: 17%

Final Votes: 83%

Add Comments:

Reader Comments:

Wanderer - 2010/03/08
Yes, do, Nelson...

Broken Pencil - 2010/03/07
And so it ends, with the most lop-sided victory in Deathmatch history. Thanks to our combatants, our special guests and all who voted or commented. The Deathmatch will return.

indeona - 2010/03/07
It's been a blast... stop in and say Hey sometime Eshleman... keep me posted. I'd like that. ; )

x.30.x - 2010/03/07
Congrats Nelson Eshleman! Looking forward to some poetry slam on 8th Avenue. No harm intended, just wanted to see some banter (wicked as it may have seemed). Good cheer to all artists; even to 83.42.63. 'Pages on Kensington' is a gurrate book store (like any library; if they don't got it, they'll find it for you)! Future bodes well.

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/07
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzJcqPS3VQ0

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/07
Thanks to all who voted or left comments for the tremendous support! Do you know how many great friends it takes to win something like this? Couldn't have done it alone, you guys were amazing! Congratulations to Jordan Abel for reaching the final round of the Deathmatch and for a socially and culturally relevant story. You came hard out of the blocks the first round, we didn't know what to expect here, so we poured on the coal, out of healthy respect. Didn't mean to run up the score, I only e-mailed my "A" team once since Wednesday, but the horses always run faster when they're on the way home. I got particularly hooked on Horner's writing, wrapped up by Cortez the Snake and Emmerton's story also showed a bit of bite. Thanks to Broken Pencil for giving me a wide berth on the inside lane and allowing free rein. Also to CJSW, filling station and podbeam for letting me tout my wares during this ultimate week. That's about all the damage I can do, let's declare a ceasefire and hope things proceed amicably from here on in.

38.24.36 - 2010/03/07
ARCHIE!!! Meathead has done it again...I'll humour you thanks for voting for NE and taking it slowly up to 83%. Perhaps it the "Some Drugs" aspect that has them thinking like they've been voting on this side. Guess they truly are Meatheads. Ta Ta and who wrote the song "Landslide"?

Wanderer - 2010/03/07
Aah, juror#13, you do like to have secrets, don't you. heh heh

juror#13 - 2010/03/07
I feel just fine, vote or no vote, but thanks for your concern. Your implication is that I believe democracy (loosely applied here) actually works and that I would support it by my choice to vote... small point made on the word count issue, but that could swing either way in terms of my integrity... Meathead it is... no slush fund here... but ok... I'll humour you. Done. I've voted, once, for the better story. : )

Wanderer - 2010/03/07
You so funny!

38.24.36 - 2010/03/07
Wow, someone is awake. Just ruptured my left boob implant. Its now starting to sag down and my figure has changed to an x.30.x Boy this game is tough on the body. Thank god I married a plastic surgeon. Sure hope X30 doesn't have that effect on all women. Maybe that's why he is so cranky. Thanks for voting to NE.

Wanderer - 2010/03/07
Wow, there's two words that jolt ya back in time: Archie Bunker!

38.24.36 - 2010/03/07
Hey Meathead or should I say Meatheads yes its Archie Bunker. Stop your whining you lazy ass. Get a real job and stop the anti NE vote. Do you think your Nixon? Games over in 15 hours. Your mom Edith is going to whip your ass. Love and kisses Gloria

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/07
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIqxnYZZNB8

Wanderer - 2010/03/07
Hah! it's done and only five minutes late!

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/07
...then vote for the best story between the two...you'd feel better...don't boycott democracy...adopt a BP attitude...they're not sticklers...integrity wasn't an issue when you were voting for the 3600 word story ; )

Wanderer - 2010/03/07
It's been wonderful having the company tonight. I've been tired but smiling, smiling. Thank you so much. Gtg bring this last blog-post on home now. Later days... if there is one for this site...

juror#13 - 2010/03/07
; )

Wanderer - 2010/03/07
LOL you're hysterical, J#13!

juror#13 - 2010/03/07
Hey... I respect BP for what it is ...I really do... and because there are no rules, I can still respect you. Vote for my favorite person? Please.... love you to death, but do you really think I'll go there?

Add Comments:

Reader Comments:

Wanderer - 2010/03/08
Ahh. But, I thought you favored "a blend of truth and fiction." Have you had a change of heart on that score, then?

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/08
Verisimilitude.

Wanderer - 2010/03/08
Why is that, Nelson?

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/08
If I don't get a chance, I should add, I thought Amy Dupcak's story was the best in the contest, hands down.

Friend of Cutthroat - 2010/03/08
The comment secion is unique: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhmjnYKlVnM&NR=1

lylebrianmorton - 2010/03/08
You did it. Great job Nelson. Hopefully someone buys your story. Like they say, never give up.

Cindy - 2010/03/07
Was it really ever going to be any other way?

Broken Pencil - 2010/03/07
And so it ends, with the most lop-sided victory in Deathmatch history. Thanks to our combatants, our special guests and all who voted or commented. The Deathmatch will return.

abi - 2010/03/07
congratulations nelson game is over

ticktalk48 - 2010/03/07
Congratulations Nelson! A Brilliant Execution. A few libations are forth coming:-)

Trash talk - 2010/03/07
The party continues!! We knew you could do it Nelson!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LW2RlaC6nAs

Fasteddy - 2010/03/07
Congrats NE! Salute to the winner: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wh5o9xp19so&feature=related

Wanderer - 2010/03/07
What happens in 9 hours? (Not that I'll be around at that point, - unless things go REALLY badly at din-din). So does the page go up in a puff of smoke at zero hour or what? P.S. voted, just for the hell of it at this point.

Wanderer - 2010/03/07
omg Nelson, what are you doing up? Couldn't you sleep either? omg I'm gonna be in trouble at dinner tonight... two hours of sort of sleep, kept closing my eyes, kept seeing faces, kept waking up again!

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/07
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdCrZfTkG1c

Wanderer - 2010/03/07
Hah! finally allowed to vote again. Note to self: make note of the time. Self replies: drop dead, I'm gonna be out of this chair by 5.30!

Wanderer - 2010/03/06
Is that "babbling," Juror#13? Then you must be freakin' brilliant when you're not whacked out on meds.

Wanderer - 2010/03/06
I understand you, Juror#13, but I don't have time to think about it right now, except to say "poor baby" - hope your headache's gone by the time I return. Yes, sudden caffein withdrawal can lead to headaches. Hope your day was otherwise good. Later..,

Juror#13 - 2010/03/06
Reaching beyond one self to acknowledge the role of an audience and its worth, is a huge step in the development of a writer. In doing so, questions of relevance can be entered upon. But the 'me' stage is necessary, right?... not to be pooh poohed. Should it not be encouraged to play itself out to whatever length... like a child's questions? Should it not revel in itself, like poetry? Is this not where perspective is explored... where objectivism and subjectivism are juggled so that on the course of natural progression, the writer moves beyond self, equipped to effectively and significantly argue and express his point through 'believable' characters and 'pertinen't situations? Can anyone tell my what I'm babbling about? I'm sure I can blame it on the meds. since I am usually quite naturalistic. : )

Nelson Eshleman - 2010/03/06
Another question. Why do you write? Early encouragement helps. I won a creative writing contest in grade 4 living up in Rainbow Lake. Maybe its something we think we're good at. You find basketball players shooting hoops. It's a chance to excel. Maybe to show off or attract attention. Find yourself a muse, write your heart out. A preening gesture or courtship ritual. We pooh pooh beginning writers for self-referential work when they write about "me." Then for "derivative" work when we write about "them." Where's the imagination in that? These are patterns that we recognize, phases to pass through as you "write about what you know." We value honesty. Document the human condition. Truth doesn't always make for a good story, I like a blend of fact and fiction. You spot the lie. A journey to understand the origins of self expression might take you to Lascaux in France to study cave paintings. We write like Hemingway or Hunter S. to broaden the interest in our stories, emulate the masters as we learn to paint. It's not all bad, it keeps it fun and stimulating, maybe even entertaining as we hone our "craft." So by the time you have something socially or culturally relevant to say, you can put it on paper in an interesting or creative way so that people might listen. Or maybe by the time you are as good as Margaret Atwood, people are so jealous of your success that they won't want to hear. Did I mention that I had a story in Volume 1 of the Asia Literary Review, but it was only until Volume 11 that they published Margaret Atwood. Keep your head up, Maggie. Maybe like SH says we use stories to work through problems we encounter or situations we hear about, to arrive at a narrative solution. Think Aesop's Fables. Maybe our minds are conditioned to make sense of our environs through story. That idea and much more is explored in a great book by Jordan Peterson, a clinical psychologist and Professor at the U of T (one of the most literate guys I know). http://www.amazon.ca/Maps-Meaning-Architecture-Jordan-Peterson/dp/0415922224