Introducing Sarah Steinberg


Introducing Sarah Steinberg

Notes for Speech upon acceptance of Bronze medal in the 2010 Emotional Winter Olympics

By Sarah Steinberg

Wow! I’m floored! Wow! [Pat pockets of jeans as if you do not have a prepared speech. Act surprised when you find speech.]

I’d like to take you back to 2008, when I found out that there were actually prizes for doing stuff I’ve been doing naturally for years. I could hardly believe it. I never thought I’d have the good fortune to stand here, a chocolate bronze medal in one hand and an imaginary cheque for $100 in the other. I feel so proud and just a little bit smug! Is my track suit swishing? Can you hear it swish as I rub my upper arm against my torso? Swish-swish-swish! That’s the sound of defeat! [Ask everyone to calm down here as they go wild with applause.]

All I want to say to the fans is Go Team Me! I couldn’t have done it without me! Am I right? [Hold for applause.] But I really can’t thank you all enough. Especially my mother and father, who have judged this event since I was a little girl. Also my team of therapists. Especially you Ellen, thank you so much for changing your number and getting the court order like that. You taught me a great lesson about friendship. And boundaries. And the legal system.

I’ll admit, when you moved, I was hurt. But if it wasn’t for your flat-out refusal to see or hear from me I don’t think I would have been able to elevate my martyrdom syndrome to pro levels, or, for that matter, truly complete my training in the Hold-A-Grudge or the 500 Hope Dash. It was this training that ultimately led me to victory in the Obsessing Over Things That Happened A Long Time Ago category and the reason why I’m here today! [Ask someone to get a shot of self holding medal up above my head before hand sweat melts it.]

It was a lot of hard work, guys, I’m not going to lie. It takes years of practice, of diligence, of late nights going over what you should have said instead of what you did say. Now that I’m a role model, a lot of people will want to know how they, too, can get into the sport of self-flagellation. If you’re serious about training for this event, I want you to first ask yourself this: Can you simultaneously imagine yourself as Sisyphus rolling that dumb boulder up the mountain, and as Sisyphus’s mom yelling at the idiot for never learning, plus his disappointed Dad and long-suffering girlfriend? And can you empathize with the boulder too? Imagine yourself in the boulder’s shoes. You must. But if you cannot, use that inability as inspiration.

They say it’s something you’re born with, but I firmly believe that with enough time, effort and a dedicated team of friends and strangers, you can also abuse yourself to the top. And all the way back down again. As for the future, I plan to use my failure to win first prize as my impetus to stay alive for the next four years so I can win in 2014. I’ll be signing my own personal range of OCD soaps in the foyer for the next half hour. Please, feel free to stop by. [Bow? Cry?]


21 Responses to “Introducing Sarah Steinberg”

  1. I just bookmarked brokenpencil » Blog Archive » Introducing Sarah Steinberg on Digg, hope this helps get you more traffic. Right using this write-up, I truly think this website requires more consideration. I’ll likely be returning once again to read considerably more, thanks for the blog post it is excellent

  2. I haven¡¦t checked in here for some time since I thought it was getting boring, but the last few posts are great quality so I guess I¡¦ll add you back to my everyday bloglist. You deserve it my friend 🙂

  3. Thank you for sharing excellent informations. Your website is so cool. I’m impressed by the details that you¡¦ve on this blog. It reveals how nicely you understand this subject. Bookmarked this website page, will come back for extra articles. You, my friend, ROCK! I found just the information I already searched all over the place and just could not come across. What a perfect site.

  4. Nice read, I just passed this onto a friend who was doing some research on that. And he actually bought me lunch because I found it for him smile So let me rephrase that: Thank you for lunch! “They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” by Carl W. Buechner.

  5. I really wanted to compose a simple remark to express gratitude to you for all the awesome items you are showing on this website. My extensive internet lookup has finally been recognized with awesome knowledge to exchange with my family and friends. I would admit that most of us site visitors actually are unquestionably endowed to live in a perfect community with very many awesome people with very helpful strategies. I feel truly privileged to have come across the website and look forward to some more excellent times reading here. Thanks a lot once again for all the details.

  6. Nice blog post. I was checking constantly to this blog and I’m very impressed! Extremely helpful information, especially the 3rd sentences. I really need such info. I was seeking this kind of information for lengthy time. Thankx and best of luck.

  7. I¡¦ve been exploring for a bit for any high quality articles or weblog posts in this kind of area . Exploring in Yahoo I at last stumbled upon this web site. Reading this info So i am satisfied to show that I’ve an incredibly excellent uncanny feeling I found out just what I needed. I so much certainly will make certain to do not fail to remember this website and give it a look regularly.

  8. magia says:

    I’ve been absent for some time, but now I remember why I used to love this website. Thanks , I’ll try and check back more often. How frequently you update your web site?

  9. Have you ever thought of adding extra movies to your weblog posts to keep the readers more entertained? I mean I just learn by the entire article of yours and it was quite good however since I’m more of a visual learner,I found that to be more helpful nicely let me know how it turns out! I really like what you guys are all the time up too. Such intelligent work and reporting! Sustain the good works guys I’ve added you guys to my blogroll. This can be a great article thanks for sharing this informative information.. I’ll visit your blog frequently for some latest put up

  10. Thank you for sharing superb information. Your website is very cool. I am impressed by the details that you have on this site. It reveals how nicely you perceive this subject. Bookmarked this website page, will come back for extra articles.

  11. backload says:

    This would be the right weblog for everybody who hopes to be familiar with this subject. You already know an excellent deal of its practically difficult to argue together with you (not too I personally would want…HaHa). You truly put a fresh spin on the subject thats been written about for years. Wonderful stuff, just excellent!

  12. I got what you mean , appreciate it for putting up.Woh I am thankful to find this website through google. “Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment.” by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

  13. of course like your web-site however you have to check the spelling on several of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling problems and I in finding it very troublesome to tell the truth then again I’ll certainly come again again.

  14. I definitely wanted to make a simple word to appreciate you for those fabulous ideas you are showing on this site. My incredibly long internet search has now been paid with pleasant facts and strategies to share with my classmates and friends. I would suppose that many of us site visitors are undeniably lucky to live in a really good site with so many perfect professionals with interesting hints. I feel quite happy to have encountered your web pages and look forward to many more entertaining minutes reading here. Thanks again for a lot of things.

  15. I recently stumbled across your internet-site from your friend’s digg profile. Bless him. Websites like yours are actually rare in the webspace packed with crap and spam.

Posts Remaining